I would really like some feedback, thank you so much!
Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Life, love, stress and setbacks, without those typical aspects of life you are merely inhumane. Some say that the world they come from does not truly represent whom they are or what they want to accomplish. They say they want to escape from the monotony of their diurnal routines. In spite of that, I carry off an unconventional position on that topic. To be clear, I am quite satisfied with where I come from, because it has led me to determine who I am and what I hope to be. Being comfortable with where I come from has significantly influenced the individual that I am today and the ambitions I have for the future.
I come from a low-class, full-blooded immigrant Vietnamese family. My family history originates all the way across the globe from China, where my great-grandparents migrated to Vietnam and there my grandparents and their children were conceived. Being a first-generation American and fluent in both Vietnamese and English, the influence of multicultural behaviors is a substantial element in defining my spiritual, mental and developmental childhood.
Having no college experience, through limitless hours of vocation and perseverance, my parents have dealt with hardships and difficulties, teaching me a great deal of diligence, patience, meekness, devoutness, tolerance, forethought and the ability to adjust to any situation and environment. As any other immigrant who has migrated to this country, my parents have acknowledged their cultural differences, setting it aside to coexist with the rigors of American life. Within their basic life values, anything is possible if you put your heart into achieving your life's dream.
My mother, a total disciplinarian, made sure that her family had the best morals and obedience. As young children, she made sure that we never lost track of our Vietnamese background, by having us attend Vietnamese classes that provided us with the ability to speak, read, and write. Shaping us into bilingual children, being fluent in both English and Vietnamese. She has always encouraged my sisters and I to do well in school and has always supported us in every way she can. With that, my mother has always believed that God played an important part of our lives, and to shine her religious beliefs upon us, she also enrolled us in weekend Catechism classes. As a family, we attended church every Sundays. Through this weekly ritual I had become quite fond of the church choir, which led me to becoming one of the top singers, and pursuing my growing interests in music.
My mother constantly reminded us that even though our path may be difficult, there will always be a reward and that we are privileged to have the life we live now. A college education is what she never had, but to see us go to college is all she ever hopes.
Not only has my mother been influential in my life, but both my parents have created a strong foundation for my family and I am proud to be part of it.
Life, love, stress and setbacks -- without those typical aspects of life you are merely inhumane. inhumane is not usually used to mean what you are using it to mean.
Some say that the world they come from does not ....influenced the individual that I am today and the ambitions I have for the future. All this content could be expressed in a single sentence. I think this paragraph is too wordy and makes inefficient use of words.
I come from a low-class, full-blooded immigrant Vietnamese family. My family history ...---This is great!! If you cut the first paragraph and started with this one, I think the essay would be stronger.
As When we were young children, she made sure that we never lost track of our Vietnamese background by having us attend Vietnamese classes that provided us with the ability to speak, read, and write. ---I removed a comma.
Shaping us into bilingual children, being fluent in both English and Vietnamese. This sentence is redundant and incomplete.
Not only has my mother been influential in my life, but both my parents have created a strong foundation for my family and I am proud to be part of it.---You should explain how your mother's influence is a good example to represent the way the world you come from influences you. And I think you should talk more about your aspirations (be specific!).
:-)
