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Life map--common application essay-background story-help with my structure and details


Exitmusic 1 / -  
Nov 16, 2015   #1
Sweat blurred my eyes, branches left scratches one after another on my bare skin, and I am here, dragging my wearing legs to the last control point. "Hold on for the last fifty meters," I told myself. The moment my finger pressed on the timing machine I sighed with relief.

I have dedicated myself to Orienteering for five years. For five years, I only had a compass and a map in my hand, coming up with the best ways to get to control points on the map in the correct order in the shortest time. Five years ago, my coach asked me to join the varsity team. I was just a weak and skinny girl who stood out in the tryout because I was familiar with the park where I grew up. But, I still accepted the offer, due to my curiosity and determination.

The first practice game was a nightmare. Without either practice or technique, I lost completely. The trees, buildings, and muddy paths all looked the same to me. The contours and routes crouched together on the map drove me nuts. I did not even get to finish half of my game by the time they told me the competition was over. Besides the frustrating game, the ten kilometer warm-up tortured me, who had never run more than two kilometers at a time before. I began to think about if it was really the right choice to join the team and doubted myself about whether I was capable of doing it or not.

I thought about quitting, but one practice in an undeveloped mountain with the National Orienteering Team changed my mind. The team could finish a medium-distance course in half an hour, where we could not even find a path to place our feet. I could not believe that they were just born with all the needed skills. During a conversation, I was told that they had been practicing for years to achieve the accomplishments they had today. How could I just give up without giving it a shot? I returned to the primary status where I had passion and determination to do this thing right.

Since then, I have participated in all of the Orienteering games every weekend, whether they are league, regional or national. I have been in the team for five years, and in those five years I have stood on the top of the medals podium. I have also curled up in other people's shadows, congratulating them while I was being introspective of myself; I have been assured of my steps, but I also have ignored my instinct to follow the flow, even if it led a wrong way.

"Believe in yourself, you have been doing great." "Landmarks are your friends." "Maps and compasses will not cheat on you; use them."... All the words I have been told flashed through my mind while I was running my last game in my high school career. Now I stand on the medals podium with the best farewell- a certificate.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 17, 2015   #2
Zhang, the background story that you shared shows us that you are a person who is determined to succeed even though your first impulse may be otherwise. As such, you have a strong character that will never allow you to fail. That is the kind of character trait that you should be proud to continue developing well into college. That said, the essay just has some parts that need to be strengthened or corrected in terms of grammar. I edited the necessary parts below. I did not want to confuse you with the strike outs and caps lock so I just revised the essay offline and posted it here. Read through it, you will easily see where I applied the changes. I hope you will like them. I believe it really helped improve your essay.

[i]Sweat blurred my eyes, branches left scratches on my bare skin . I am here, dragging my weary legs to the last control point. "Hold on for the last fifty meters," I told myself. The moment my finger pressed the timing machine, I sighed with relief.

I have dedicated myself to Orienteering for the past five years. All that time, I only had a compass and a mapon hand to guide me, coming up with the best ways to get to control points in the correct order in the shortest possible time. Five years ago, my coach asked me to join the varsity team. I was just a weak and skinny girl who stood out in the tryouts because I was familiar with the park, having grown up visiting it. I still accepted the offer, due to my curiosity and determination.

The first practice game was a nightmare. Without either practice or technique, I was lost completely. The trees, buildings, and muddy paths all looked the same to me. The contours and routes crouched together on the map drove me crazy. I did not even get to finish half of my game by the time the competition ended. Besides the frustrating game, the ten kilometer warm-up tortured me. I, who had never run more than two kilometers at a time before. I began to think about whether this was really the right choice tfor me and doubted whether I was capable of doing it or not.

I thought about quitting, but one practice in an undeveloped mountain with the National Orienteering Team changed my mind. The team could finish a medium-distance course in half an hour, while we could not even find a path to place our feet. I could not believe that they were just born with all the needed skills. During a conversation, I was told that they had been practicing for years to gain the proficiency that they had today. How could I just give up without giving it a shot? My passion and determination to succeed in this sport returned after that talk.

Since then, I have participated in the Orienteering games every weekend, whether they were league, regional or national. I have been on the team for five years, and in those five years I have stood at the top of the medals podium. I have also curled up in other people's shadows, congratulating them while I was being introspective of myself; I have been assured of my steps, but I also have ignored my instinct to follow the flow, even if it led me the wrong way.

"Believe in yourself, you have been doing great." "Landmarks are your friends." "Maps and compasses will not lead you astray."... All the words I have been told flashed through my mind while I was running my last game in my high school career. Now I stand on the medals podium with the best farewell- a certificate.[/]

Don't be afraid to let me know if I can help you out with further polishing of this essay, if you feel it is necessary :-)
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Nov 23, 2015   #3
Zhang, as I was reading your essay, it felt as though I was reading a sci-fi short story, your essay is full of strength and it has a good flow.

The reason, I said it has a good flow is that, the readers know exactly if you are telling a story or if the character is the one playing the role.

This is a good writing ability that I believe you can master or at least develop, in order to have a great following and who knows, people may follow your adventures.

Now, the essay can be further structured and well presented if you will be able to manage and keep your paragraphs into a minimum of three.

The proper paragraph presentation of the essay affects the overall first impression of the writing piece too.
When you do the re - structuring make sure that you don't delete essential facts of the essay or the part where the climax of the story lies.

Should your revision is done, post it here on EF so we can help you further.
kunaal 2 / 4 1  
Nov 23, 2015   #4
where we could not evenfind a path to place our feet . You might be translating literally from another language. Maybe something simpler like where as I could not even finish it in twice that time


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