*Any grammatical mistakes as well as new points are welcomed(300 word limit).
Essay #1 (Required for all applicants. Approximately 250 words)
Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it.
What is a Community? My definition of a community is a group that shares same aspirations,
morals and to a larger extent have the same goals for the future. The most relevant
community I find myself in, is with my part-time job's team. I was also among the most
Americans, whose first job is in the fast food industry. The very first day I met my team, I
did find a lot of similarities within us. We all studied, at the same time trying our level best
to self-sustain doing a part-time job. To work with full energy and also at the same time cope
up with exams and homework is tough. But, we all have a dream for a brighter future that
makes us work even harder and to try to achieve all the Success in life. From a regular
employee to Assistant Manager, my journey with my team has been great. I try to learn in
every way from my team, also giving back to my team, my Experiences. This I feel makes us
really special that we would work together and learn something every time while serving
people. To be the leader of a team is special for me as I think I can show the correct path to
them while taking feedback and continuously improving too. My role in my community is to
continue serving people in the best way possible and try gain as well as teach something to
my team so that we all can be better human being in our lives. I have had the pleasure of
learning so much from my community, it has made me more patient and help me mold in a
way that I can now work even in the worst circumstances.
Never say "according to me", instead say "My definition of a community is..." However, even with that particular correction, I will have to say that your essay response does not totally meet the prompt. You have identified yourself with the middle class community. You discussed what it is like to be a part of the middle class. Yet, your discussion fails to disclose what your current role in the middle class community that you are a part of currently is. Instead, a reference is made by you to your future participation in the community. What you need to discuss is your current role in the community. Do you help earn income to keep your family financially provided for? Do you help other members of your middle class community? If so, in what way? You need to refer to a community that you truly and actively participate in as I do not believe that you have enough life experience to relate with regards to your role or participation in a middle class community at this point. Consider a change of community identity for yourself if you feel as I do, that you do not have the ability to describe an active and current participation for yourself in this role as a member of the middle class community.
Thanks for the suggestion..
I will try molding my essay with a different community.
"..from my short work experience.."
"..it has its some terrible moments.."
Try to delete unnecessary words because you take out the focus on the meaning of the sentence.
Punctuation Errors
"After all this being said the life of a middle
class family is like a roller coaster, it has its some terrible moments but ,they always end up
in showing the families a positive attitude towards life. At the same time the peace of mind
of a middle class family has is something no one could buy. "
Thanks for your suggestions on my essay.
I agree on the previous comment. This is the question of University of Michigan, right? I have applied it for early action and I think the most important point of this essay is your place within the community. What have you done and what do you plan to do?
What quality do you want to show to the university? You can write something in your activities list, like a club or a foundation which you serve as a leader to show AO your strong leadership or just to have details to elaborate. The middle class community is also a good one which can show your consideration for others once you focus on yourself and your role.
Hope my little piece of advice can help you. Thx again and good luck(:
