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UC PROMPT #2: Life in Oakland [TRANSFER]


stasisField 1 / -  
Nov 26, 2009   #1
I'm not sure as how to do this, but any constructive criticism is always welcomed! I know the intro sentence is a bit trite and lame, but if someone can help me improve it, it would be greatly appreciated!

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are? *

A personal quality that I have that I am quite found of is my self-discipline and perseverance. Growing up in the heart of Oakland, California, the notorious themes of underachievement, pessimism, and ignorance were prevalent. I have witnessed several of my childhood friends gradually succumb to the same blight that my living environment radiated, many of whom have already lost all faith in themselves and life in general. <-- Struggling with this sentence

A particular event that is memorable to me took place during the spring of my junior term in my high school. A friend from a local community college invited me to a party at his friend's house, and with little do that evening, I decided to go. On the way there, I anticipated a stereotypical college party, a house packed full of senseless frat boys, mind-numbingly loud music, and enough beer to get a zoo of elephants drunk. However, when I got there, my assumption could not have been further from the truth, the setting appeared to be more of a hang out than a party. There were half-drunken bottles of alcohol, a cigarette butt here and there, along with a few substances that were unlikely to be legal. They offered me whatever they had, but I rejected and they seemed to be respectful about my decision.

The whole night persisted like a dream, with a handful of people in the living room, all rambling about how life was dissatisfying and meaningless. A girlfriend this, someone's dad that; all of which were excuses of why their lives did not turn out to the way they were intended to be. I abstained to contribute to the ill-fated conversation, and instead, quietly left when the opportunity rose and head home.

Starting with my senior year, I decided to distance myself from all the people who bogged me down from reaching my goals and aspirations. Although these people were not necessarily compromised from a bad group of people, they did give off negative energy, and that was something I needed to grow away from. Instead, when I surrounded myself with the small minority of community college students who have actually taken their education seriously, I discovered that their energy and enthusiasm for both life and school subconsciously rubbed off on me. Knowing the people who have thrown their potential away merely because of the hardships and obstacles they faced, I am more determined than ever to challenge their beliefs. I am proud of myself for having the self-discipline to stick to my education and persevering amidst negativity in a society that was anything but inspirational.

Starting with my senior year, I decided to distance myself from all the people who bogged me down from reaching my goals and aspirations. Although these people were not necessarily compromised from a bad group of people, they did give off negative energy, and that was something I needed to grow away from. Instead, when I surrounded myself with the small minority of community college students who have actually taken their education seriously, I discovered that their energy and enthusiasm for both life and school subconsciously rubbed off on me. Knowing the people who have thrown their potential away merely because of the hardships and obstacles they faced, I am more determined than ever to challenge their beliefs. I am proud of myself for having the self-discipline to stick to my education and persevering amidst negativity in a society that was anything but inspirational.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 27, 2009   #2
A personal quality that I have that I am quite found of is my self-discipline and perseverance. Growing up in the heart of Oakland, California, the notorious themes of underachievement, pessimism, and ignorance were prevalent. I have witnessed several of my childhood friends gradually succumb to the same blight that my living environment radiated; many of them h ave already lost all faith in themselves and life in general. I took note of this process, and I feel proud about the self-discipline and perseverance that I was able to muster during these crucial years.

A particular event that is memorable for me took place during the spring of my junior term in my high school.

...and that was something from which I needed to distance myself. row away from.


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