HI everybody,
This is my essay for Yale. Please help me edit this essay through harsh comments/criticisms. I thank you with all my heart and will edit ur essays in return.
Prompt: additional essay (no specific requirement)
Life on a Ping-Pong Table
It was summer. I enrolled in a Ping-Pong class that took place on a rooftop filled with the scorching sun and the smell of sweat. The temperature seemed to rise exponentially. Hot June caught me limping back home after practice, and burning July found me going for two classes a day for this addictive sport. Unbelievably, I acquired precious life inspirations from this sweaty summer.
In Ping-Pong, repeating the swing position 50 times increases the power and accuracy of my hits. Persistence in Ping-Pong means not quitting after repeating the same hand-swing procedure. Gradually due to persistence, the cold paddle would turn into boiling fire when I battled on the table. In life, persistence yields success. After moving to America, persistence helped me break the language barrier by memorizing 100 vocabulary words each day; persistence guided me to melt the cultural clash by adapting continuously and accepting diversity. There is no elevator for success; I need to take the stairs. I kept telling myself: how can I make a rainbow without rain?
In Ping-Pong, competing against insuperable players strengthens my courage and skills. The fleeting victorious feeling after beating the weak is nothing compared to the strong motivation I feel after being defeated by the strong. In life, I embrace challenges. My thirst for challenges pushes me to accept the impossible task of graduating in three years while maintaining an outstanding academic record. My desire to explore my abilities inspires me to apply as the first high school intern at the U.S.-China Policy Foundation where I promote friendships between my mother country China and my host country America. Now, I have taken up a new, exhilarating challenge-applying to Yale. Today, I am a brave samurai warrior whose bushido code contains no such words as "quit".
In Ping-Pong, every ball is to be treated equally. No one will laugh at a player for missing a ball, but everyone will despise a player who lets go of a ball. I return spikes, backstrokes, and smashes; my "indiscriminating" paddle welcomes all types of hits and completes each task with skill and accuracy. In life, I seize every opportunity offered to me and create opportunities myself. When I moved to the U.S., the most powerful country, I grabbed this chance steadfastly to broaden my horizon by blending into the most colorful culture in the world. Now, this experience turned into a life-changing journey of self-enrichment and dream-realization.
Today, as I contemplate at the finger prints on my paddle, I applaud myself for my success. Even after I moved to the United States where Ping-Pong is called Table Tennis, I did not let go of my passion. Instead, I co-founded a Ping-Pong club with a teacher and introduced the beauty of Ping-Pong to my American friends. No matter how fast the ball is, how invincible the serve seems to be, I will always be there to hit it back with persistence and confidence. Some people dream it to happen, and others wish it would happen. I make it happen.
First I'd like to say that I feel little incompetent editing your essay since you're applying to the ivy league schools (you must be very smart). xD
In your essay you come off confident.
You have a lot of metaphors (There is no elevator for success; I need to take the stairs. I kept telling myself: how can I make a rainbow without rain?)
No one will laugh at a player for missing a ball, but everyone will despise a player who lets go of a ball. <-I found the message of this sentence a little contradictory
When I moved to the U.S., the most powerful country, <-I'm not sure if you want to say that. Maybe substitute with another word.
Now, this experience turned into a life-changing journey of self-enrichment and dream-realization. <--what's your dream?
Hope that helped. I just went along my natural reaction as a reader.
