Hey guys, I was looking for some advice mainly on the second UC prompt, but on the first as well to some extent. I've written most of the first essay:
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations. ?
I've been interested in technology before I even knew the world. Originally with LEGOs, I learned to physically manifest my extremely active imagination in constructive, original ways. I moved on to become the technical support for my house, build a hovercraft when I was 13, and finally graduate to building robots as the head of my school's robotics team. It has become my ultimate goal to contribute to the world of robotics in ways which have been previously unimaginable. As I sit down to write this essay, I can see clearly how many different factors have shaped me to become the person I am.
I am an Indian. Being one of over 1.5 billion Indians in the world, it could be easy to lump me in with the rest. But I am truly a mix of cultures. Having in San Jose all my life, I feel at home interacting with people of virtually any background. I have been surrounded by advanced technology and revolutionary companies which have definitely influenced me to go into engineering. At this point I would like to clarify: My love of technology is not just a badly-thought-out way of jumping on the bandwagon. All the companies in Silicon Valley are focused on semiconductors and software, whereas my interest is in robotics. I have travelled extensively during my life as well, to places like India, China, Tibet, Great Britain, and most recently Germany. I have seen a range of people from the royalty of England to the poorest of the poor in the slums of India. All this gives me a great sense of perspective, desire to make a difference, and I am much better equipped to know what is best for the world than many of my less-traveled peers are.
Family is an important influence in everyone's life, including mine. I come from a traditional, but generally successful family. My grandparents moved out of rural farming communities to study economics and engineering. After they immigrated to the States, both my parents received higher educations. My father received his masters in computer engineering from Columbia University, and has been the primary influence on my dreams to earn my PhD and work in the high-tech industry.
When I started at Saint Francis, I had the opportunity to join any in a large array of different sports and clubs. I joined more than a couple, but the club which has come to affect me the most has been the robotics club. I have played a major role in the club's development and participation at the annual FIRST Robotics Competition, this year as the president. As my passion for it has developed, I have shaped my goals and aspirations more concretely around a career in robotics.
My aspirations to contribute to robotics are not vague or idealistic, as they may seem. I have a focused plan to make my mark on the world, starting with getting a strong education at a good school. My dream is to push humanity to its limits.
I think mainly for this I need a stronger conclusion, but I'm definitely willing to take any and all constructive criticism!
(502 words)
Essay2 : I haven't really started on this, just on the brainstorming
2- Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
(more updates on this essay as I come up with ideas...)
I like your 1st essay a lot, you've answered the prompt in an interesting manner (hope I'm not being biased).
Sorry for being off-topic but:
I'm the treasurer of my robotics team in Alonso, and we have two teams- Team Fhap (I think), and Massive D. I had nothing to do with the team names, but we're taking part in the FTC Hotshot! competition this year. What's your team called and what are they doing?
But I am truly a mix of cultures. Having in San Jose all my life , I feel at home interacting with people of virtually any background.
Having lived? schooled? You're missing a verb in that sentence, it doesn't make sense as it is now.
At this point I would like to clarify: my love of technology is not just a badly thought-out way of jumping on the bandwagon. All the companies in Silicon Valley are focused on semiconductors and software, whereas my interest is in robotics.
Don't use the word all because its untrue. I can name more than a couple of companies that do not focus on software and semiconductors in San Jose.
My aspirations to contribute to robotics are not vague or idealistic, as they may seem.
How do you plan to contribute and what do you want to contribute? What kind of robots would you like to be building and what kind of impact will they have on society or the profession? Be specific.
Some people think "over" is not quite right:
Being one of more than 1.5 billion Indians in the world, it could ...
But that is not really wrong.
Below, I kind of want to tie this last sentence with what you said at the start of the paragraph:
...and I am much better equipped to know what is best for the promote solution in the world than I would be if I had only experienced one culture. many of my less-traveled peers are.
