There is a Quaker saying: ''Let your life speak.'' Describe the environment in which you were raised--your family, home, neighborhood or community--and how it influenced the person you are today. (200 words)
I lived in a neighborhood where adversity and prosperity both defined community. Despite its blaring, always festive atmosphere, the noise subsides when the hour of tragedy strikes. Instead of bursting into a requiem of grief, the people offer each other a song of solace. Their bond, that cord of kinship has instilled within me a great appreciation for "bayanihan", which means service or cooperation in Filipino.
I have grown up witnessing that piece of "good" in human nature. However, for a country that prides itself for having such a principle, the nation is plagued by poverty, blinded by corruption, and divided by dissention; one cannot help but become a critic. Yet despite that, I have lingered on to that feeling of community.
Growing up on both sides of the spectrum, I eventually became passionate about social work. Throughout high school I have enjoyed being part of community service organizations. I felt that by giving something back I would be able to safeguard those memories of amity in Cebu, Philippines and manifest them in my ways. I wish to promote that act of altruism in regions where such acts of unselfish concern are absent. I decided to give "bayanihan" a chance.
All feedbacks are welcome. What do you guys think I need to add or cut but still keeping it close to the max of 200 words?
I think that overall this supplement is beautifully written (especially the first paragraph). There were some confusing parts.
"I realized what my country needs is a chance."
What do you mean by this?
"That ultimate show of altruism ignited a flare of diplomatic civility that I wish to persist and share as an International Relations major into regions of the world where such acts of unselfish concern and amity are simply absent."
This sentence is quite convoluted. I am not sure what you are trying to get at.
Perhaps, elaborate on what you hope to do as an International Relations major in the Philipines?
I took another look at it and rearranged your wording:
As a prospective International Relations major, I wish to promote that ultimate show of altruism in regions of the world where such acts of unselfish concern and amity are simply absent.
does that work?
Can you help me revise my Brown supplement? I would really appreciate it!
