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'My life synonymous to diversity' - my Rutgers essay


sha123 1 / 2  
Oct 17, 2011   #1
My life has always been synonymous to diversity. Being born in India and bought up in the United States of America, I had, and have, a miraculous opportunity to gain significant knowledge of traditions and cultures in both the nations. Due to my father's job, my family had to move several times, mainly during my adolescence; to cities like Boston, Los Angeles, Hyderabad, and Mahwah. During the process of these shifts in location, I had made many friends with contrasting backgrounds; this helped me grow as an individual and learn truths of life that are very essential for one to know. Friends in India have taught me the strong cultural prominence one should have towards religion. Likewise, friends in America have taught me ways to live life to the fullest. My friends in both, India and America have taught me how a ideal human should live life like. Therefore, I have accumulated various truths and skills of life during my family's location shifts. Those truths and skills have, now, have become a huge pile of valuable treasure that will guide me through tough times in the future. Rutgers, being an illuminatingly diversified college, looks like a place where I can truly bring out my ethnic values and morals to betterment of the whole community. My contribution to the already glorifying diversity would be to spread out the morals and values that I had learned from all these prophetic years of my life. I am certain that many people would benefit from my accumulated pile of valuable treasure. Rutgers will help me extend my understanding of life by providing me an opportunity to meet new people with different cultural backgrounds. Therefore, helping me increase the already big pile. The more diversity the more we learn is what my father always used to say and I clearly see the prominence of those words now. With diversity one can truly look at life with a broad range.

Can you guys give some helpful suggestions??
I don't if my essay is good or not...is this good enough???

ljxlrdjxdr 2 / 7  
Oct 18, 2011   #2
Nice essay! Your experience is absolutely amazing. But maybe you should elaborate on how a particular culture influenced you, like how "Friends in India have taught me the strong cultural prominence one should have towards religion", and how that lesson shaped the way you do things, treat people etc. :)

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By the way,
My friends in both, India and America have taught me how an ideal human should live life like
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Oct 18, 2011   #3
Being born in India and br ought up in the United States of America, I had, and have, anmiraculousample opportunity to gain significanta vast knowledge ofabout traditions and cultures inof both these nations.

During the process of these shifts in location, I had made many friends withwho are having contrasting backgrounds;

this helped me grow as an individual and learn truths of life that are very essential for one to knowmature .

Friends in India have taught me the strong cultural prominence one should have towards religionhis spiritual life.
My friends in both, India and America have taught me how an ideal human should live life like .

Therefore, I have accumulated various truths and skills of life during my family's location shifts. Those truths and skills have, now, have become a huge pile of valuable treasure that will guide me through tough times in the future.------------------ This sounds a bit repetitive. Try it differently;

This exposure of diverse cultures, has enabled me to braoden my perspectives, develop various skills and understand people better that has enriched my confidence in facing new challenges in life.
waldo01 6 / 19  
Oct 18, 2011   #4
I think you should be specific for example what u said about what you learned from your friends give an example as how u applied it in real life and i think you should at the end bring how those life experiences living in america and india has taught u
admission2012 - / 481 90  
Oct 18, 2011   #5
Hello,

Your essay received a computer generated score of 59/100(see attached photo) and an editor assigned score of 50/100. The major issue with this essay is that you attempt to use "college" words, but do so incorrectly. For example, in your second sentence you state "miraculous opportunity." Was this really a miraculous opportunity? Miraculous is a very powerful word and probably should not be used here. Furthermore you go on to write "prophetic years of my life." Really? If miraculous was a 10 on a scale of 1-10, then prophetic years of my life is probably a 20 on a scale of 1-10. Remember, if you want to impress the admissions staff with your vocabulary, the best place to do so is on your standardized exam. Trying to cram so many SAT words into a college application seldom works. More often than not it makes the essay far harder to read and will cast doubt on your application as the admissions committee will not be forced to ask themselves...does this student have a strong command of the English language? You never want that to happen. Simple is always best. Lastly, talk more about the "truths" that you have learned and how you expect to continue to grow and share during your time at Rutgers. admissions essay advice


  • computer generated autoscore
OP sha123 1 / 2  
Oct 18, 2011   #6
Thanks for the great suggestions everyone....i will post my corrected essay soon...i have a question about the forum....i typed in the first sentence of my essay in google and the link of this thread came up on top....will the college perceive this as plagiarism?? I am puzzled...
OP sha123 1 / 2  
Oct 22, 2011   #7
mods, please delete this thread...I am submitting this essay and I do not want the college to think that my work is plagiarism...plzz delete this thread


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