Driving down the highway at about eighty miles per hour, I felt cold beads of sweat roll down the small of my back as I clutched my tattered seatbelt. The mountainous landscape flashed by my window as dust from the old road chased our vehicle. Our driver was forced to skillfully weave in between a slew of potholes while dodging drivers of the oncoming lane. Only minutes before had I thrown my bags into the back of the yellow Honda and waved a short goodbye to my mother. My mother and I had only discussed my trip almost every day for the past three weeks, but I knew she felt a sweeping terror as she left her only son in a different country. There's nothing quite like the feeling of having a total disconnect. Your mind is racing with a thousand thoughts per second, your heart thumping through your chest like you've just guzzled five red bulls, and that eerie tingling starts to cause all your hairs to stand on edge. Try and imagine that feeling; now, don't let it stop for three weeks.
This is the only possible way to begin to describe my trip to Spain. If I could put it into words, I'd merely say I was living. I didn't build a community center. I didn't grow from perseverance through any herculean tasks. I wasn't set on the right path through some miraculous piece of knowledge gained on my travels. However, I did experience life in a way I believe many others have not. We all live our lives down certain roads. My road consists of my friends, my school, my parents, and anything else I encounter on my daily life as an American teenager. However, for three short weeks of my summer, I took an unbelievable detour.
Replacing my days of cool bottled water and air conditioned rooms was murky tap water and brutally humid nights. Walking ten miles down a dusty dirt road to dive twenty feet from steep cliff faces took place of going to the mall. Driving myself to get McDonalds turned into catching dinner from the Costa del Sol. I could sit here and tell you how much I painfully missed my American home and my loving family. Or how I made it past these initial hardships to understand how thankful I should be for what I have. However, this would be a lie.
The truth is I loved every bit of every moment of my life in Spain. For three weeks there was no Facebook, no Friday movie nights, and certainly no organized summer camps. What I gave up materially, I made up for with the gratification of living. I was building a whole new life from scratch. Playing mindless games outside, admiring something so beautiful that nothing else crosses your mind, just talking and forgetting the stress of high school, whatever I had forgotten as a child I regained in those three weeks. I had host parents, two host brothers, different friends, and a whole new language. I felt like I was experiencing my seventeen years of existence in a completely new way. I was living it raw and uncut, and I loved it all. I loved the challenge, I loved the gritty lifestyle, and I loved it because it was so resolutely real. Of course, saying nothing for almost three days while I tried to understand the tangled mass of words coming out of my new family's mouth was beyond difficult. I never thought I could live without phones, internet, and television while being only preoccupied with my own thoughts.
I remember the night before I left my newfound friends we laid silently under the stars, sharing each other's thoughts as we squeezed sand past our fingers. I stayed up until the very last moment my plane left the ground, attempting to hold on to every last bit of my new home. When I came back home my mother squeezed me almost as tightly as my host mother had when I left. After my description of my home, my friends and family's first questions were always the same: How did you live like that? Aren't you glad your home? Do you realize how lucky you are now? All I could think of was a famous Spanish proverb my host mother had told me one night while I helped her heat up our leftovers, "Lo que en los libros no está, la vida te enseńará." That which isn't in books, life will teach you.
I know its a bit long which I will work on, but what I am really wondering is if any of you find glaring grammatical mistakes and also if you think my essay is too bland or cliché. Thank you!
Definitely a very well written essay! I loved reading about your experience, all the details were well thought out and very vivid.
The only big thing is that you mention what the "typical" experience is and how yours is different a few times ("I didn't build a community center..." and "I could sit here and tell you how much I painfully missed my American home and my loving family...") and while I think that's okay if mentioned very briefly (I have a sentence similar to these in my essay), you may be overdoing it a bit. Show the readers why your story is different, don't tell them. Try to limit this observation to one sentence and multiple. Plus, if you cut a few of them out, it would also help shorten your essay.
There are also a couple places where the wording was a little strange. They're not too big of a deal, but here's some suggestions if you want to play around with it.
"...waved a short goodbye to my mother. My mother and IWe had only discussed my trip almost every day for the past three weeks, but I knew she felt a sweeping terror as she left her only son in a different country."
"Your mind is racing with a thousand thoughts per second, your heart thumping through your chest like you've just guzzled five red bulls, and that eerie tingling starts to cause all your hairs to stand on edge. Try and imagine that feeling; now, don't let it stop for three weeks. " <-- For this portion, put it from your perspective. Readers don't like being told how to feel. We want to know how you felt, not how we should be feeling.
Good Luck!
Amanda :)
thank you so much for your response, I actually really like the changes you've made. But I was also wondering one last thing, do you find it cliched that im talking about a trip to spain, or does it feel new because of my spin on the idea
There's nothing quite like the feeling of having a total disconnect from my _________. --- I think some detail will help clarify.
Try and imagine that feeling; now, don't let it stop for three weeks. ---- I don't really like this part where you instruct the reader... it might be less imposing if you did this:
Try and imagine that feeling lingering for three weeks.
However, for three short weeks of my summer, I took an unbelievable detour. --- here at the end of the second para I read this and say, "Oh, well, I wonder where he is going with this..."
I think you need a thesis statement added to that first paragraph, or at least to the second.
This does not seem cliche, not at all.
That which isn't in books, life will teach you. ---- this is a good theme!! consider moving this sentence to the intro paragraph! :-)
