This is the prompt:
describe a meaningful event, experience, or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contriubution to the UF campus community.
As the day began in darkness I was hoping for a different kind of light. As I got dressed for school I thought to myself maybe the third time is the charm. Since age five, baseball has been my passion. As years passed I went from playing with local teams to playing travel baseball. Not only did I make the teams, but became a solid starting ball player. The early dedication and hard work was the prelude to my focus, playing high school baseball. Unfortunately this did not go as planned. As a freshman I expected to make the high school team. After tryouts, I stood in line waiting to see who made the cut, with my heart racing, I was certain I'd made it. However my eyes began scrambling as I viewed the list, I didn't see my name. Maybe they misspelled it... I was devastated when I realized it wasn't there. Disappointment didn't describe my feeling, I had the skills and put forth the effort, so I thought. Embarrassment also overcame me, my friends made the team and they expected I would as well. I had difficulty getting over the feeling of rejection and the thought of quitting baseball.
Eventually I rose above the experience and went back to travel ball. I wasn't going to let this setback keep me from playing baseball. I practiced harder, attended baseball camp and took part in private clinics to ready myself for tryouts. Not making the team as a freshman motivated me to work even harder. Finally tryouts began, now a sophomore I felt more confident on making the team. After a week of tryouts, STRIKE TWO! "Cerruto" was no where to be found on the final roster. In disbelief I approached the coach for clarity on what was missing. Simply put, it was just a numbers game, there were too many outfielders. Coach encouraged me to consider other positions if I decided to tryout again. Another experience while upsetting helped me move forward. I continued to focus on playing baseball, when tryouts began my junior year they went flawlessly. However the third time was not the charm. Again I spoke to the coach and was told that if I weren't a Junior I probably would have made the team. They just decided on the younger players. Strike three for some but not me. The difference is that life doesn't have the same rules as baseball. You control counting yourself out. My baseball experience has taught me that as well as to look at obstacles in a different way. Unlike academics, where we are taught lessons followed by a test on what we've learned. Experience in the real world often works in reverse. Life gives the test first and the lessons come later. This was proven to me through baseball and has readied me for my college experience which is an attribute I will bring to the University of Florida as I'm challenged by college life.
As the day began in darkness ...
As I got dressed for school I thought to myself ...
As years passed I went from playing with local ...
The early dedication and hard work was ...
As a freshman I expected to make ...
^You use "as" a significant amount of times in this first paragraph, I suggest either rewording the sentences so you can find other words to use instead.
"The" also doesn't sound right, but that's just my opinion. The moderators might say otherwise, but I would just eliminate it.
However my eyes began scrambling as I viewed the list, I didn't see my name. Maybe they misspelled it... I was devastated when I realized it wasn't there. Disappointment didn't describe my feeling, I had the skills and put forth the effort, so I thought.
^I personally wouldn't use "...". It seems like you lost your train of thought. Maybe you can use it as a question. <Maybe they misspelled it? I was devastated to find that my name wasn't there. > Something like that.
Eventually I rose above the experience and went back to travel ball. I wasn't going to let this setback keep me from playing baseball.
^How about "Upon surmounting this obstacle, I decided to give travel baseball another try."
I practiced harder , attended baseball camp and took part in private clinics to ready myself for tryouts. Not making the team as a freshman motivated me to work even harder .
^Use more variety in your verb choice.
Finally tryouts began, now a sophomore I felt more confident on making the team.
^Rephrase that sentence. "As a sophmore, I had more confidence in making the team."
Another experience, while upsetting, helped me to move forward.
^It flows better with the commas.
I continued to focus on playing baseball, when ...
^How about "Since I continued to play baseball, my tryouts were flawless during my junior year."
However the third time was [...] Strike three for some but not me.
^This doesn't seem relevant.
You control counting yourself out. [...] of Florida as I'm challenged by college life.
^This seems a little unclear, and there are some grammatical errors. What exactly are you telling UF you have to offer?
Your writing style is choppy -- too many short and medium-sized sentences of around the same length. You also tend to use weaker verbs, though your writing isn't the most egregious example of this to come up on this site. Still, you should revise and use stronger verbs where possible.
Content-wise, the overall gist of your essay is good, but the story is one in which you are a fairly passive participant. You never do make the team, and so never seem to overcome the conflict you have been describing. I realize you can and apparently did learn something from the experience anyway, but it makes for an unsatisfying narrative. And, of course, you need to spend considerably more time talking about how you will contribute to UF.
Good points! I was worried about the topic of writing about a failure instead of a success that most talk about however there is much to be learned from that experience. I think I need to add that I continue to play travel ball and that it didn't dampen my spirti for the game. Thank you so much, I will revise and rewrite with changes Do you think I should change the topic?
I don't you should necessarily throw out the whole topic...unless you think you can come up with a more solid anecdote. I mean, if you went more in depth with it, it would be a good arguement. As for right now, the fact that you never made the team doesn't really say much...besides the fact that you don't give up.
The topic could be good -- you just need to make yourself seem a bit less passive, and show that you learned something from each setback.
I feel you lack the explanation to how that experience will REALLY be a significant event that will contribute to your UF experience. What will this experience do to your academics and studies at UF. What will it do when it comes down to contributing to the community?
