This is the Common App, and I chose choice #1. Please be as honest and critical as possible. Thank you and God bless!
1. Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
January 13th, 2004. I looked at my bed and saw my Gameboy. Instead of embracing it, I viciously threw it on the ground. What was I doing, wasting my life with the things of the world? I was born again. God had given me a new lease on life, and I was not going to let it go to waste.
My church was moving, and my eight-year old self volunteered to help out. At one point, a group of teenagers in my church hopped on the lifter of an innocent moving truck, and I joined right in. This truck was the industry standard, containing a large trunk, a lifter, and plenty of graffiti. I propped myself down at the edge of the truck, filled with ebullience and wonder. As the lifter traversed upwards to meet up with the base of the trunk, I oscillated my legs and gazed upon the white, fluffy clouds.
AAAAHHHHHH!!! I let out a deafening yell as the lifter began pulverizing my left ankle. The pain was unlike anything I had felt in my life. The girl who was operating the lifter stopped the machine in a heartbeat, but the damage was done. My mind grew numb to the pain, and I fell into unconsciousness.
I regained consciousness at the waiting room in the hospital. I had hoped that this was all just a horrible nightmare. I reluctantly opened my eyes to see a grotesque monstrosity of a leg. Yes, this was very real. A thousand possibilities raced through my brain. Is my leg broken? Will I need a wheelchair? Can I still attend school? While I juggled these questions, my mom began to pray. I followed suit and began to pray to God.
Fortunately, my injury was not life-altering. The doctor notified me that I had severe bruises, but my bones were untouched. I would need physical therapy and further treatments, but the x-rays revealed nothing fatal. Just before I could be wheeled out, the amiable doctor said to me, "One second. Had that lifter kept going for just one more second, you would have lost your leg." I was young, but I understood that message in its entirety. Even at a tender age, I came to realize that the human body was fragile and vulnerable. After this
incident, I knew I would never swing my legs back and forth again. Nor would I look at a truck the same way again.
My accident gave me the genuine inspiration for my dream. God saved me from a life of disability, yet there were still myriad people who did not end up so lucky. I pray that He will use me to shine exuberance and assistance upon the disabled and the needy in the near future.
Anyone who sees my scar today will probably come up with terms like "grotesque" or "deformed". In my eyes, this scar is a mark left by the almighty God.
First off KUDOS to you for the diction used in this essay. EXCELLENT! Your essay is well on it's way to your college admission...I KNOW IT! However, I do feel as if you give reference to God a little too often. In now way am I anti-Christ, however it is fairly distracting in terms of the real impact your experience had on you. Your numerous references to God come off as this being more of a spiritual experience and how you grew more in your relationship to God. You also might want to consider putting quotation marks in around "AHHHHHHH!" seeing as though its an onomatopoeia and they need to be distinguished as so.
BTW Please go and read one of my essays and comment as critical as you'd like!
Thank you so much for your feedback! I really appreciate that you were honest in your critique. I see what I have to fix, and I'm going to go right to it.
Once again, thank you! I will try to read your essay as soon as possible. God bless! :)
