Please help me improve my essay, and I'll help you with yours. The deadline is in a few weeks. The essay prompt is: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
"This is a revolution and you're all a part of it", Manjil dai says with a smile. In his words, I can feel the intense ardor of a dreamer. He goes on about the plans he has for his school, the initiatives he has already taken and how he is working for a change in our country. I sit there on the bamboo chair, half listening to him half thinking about the small light bulb hanging from the tin roof over my head. I think about how it is casting more shadows than it is spreading light, just like the Nepalese government. I decide that it has been too long that the people have been living in the dark; it's time to change the light bulb.
I came to Maya Universe Academy, a free school in a rural part of Nepal, to volunteer as a teacher. My days were spent teaching vivacious village kids English and my evenings were spent having eclectic conversations with volunteers from around the world. These conversations would range from the Korean War to a Cambodian animal sacrificial ritual, or about something I would hear for the first time. On this particular Friday night, "Good Friday", as we called it, everyone had gathered around the table for a late dinner. The six kids who lived in the school were playing, and everyone else was busy in their own conversation. A group of English volunteers had arrived a few days back, and some of them were expressing their discontentment with the current state of the village. The main area of discussion was the lack of basic infrastructures. I sat there listening to a group of foreigners point out the flaws that existed in the beautiful village of Udhin Dhunga. I had myself experienced the inconveniences during my two weeks stay here. While sitting on the roof of the only operating bus in the village, I had to hold onto the cargoes to prevent myself from falling off the bus. I had to take showers in natural springs and walk for thirty minutes just to get to the closest shop. I realized how difficult it must be for people who reside in the village to carry on their daily activities without access to basic infrastructures. The village was lacking proper transport facilities, running water, electricity and health facilities. This beautiful place was located only around 100 kms away from the capital. However, it seemed to be light-years away. The village's stagnate development appalled me. I was aware Nepal was an underdeveloped country and even the capital had its flaws, but I had never imagined that the rural areas would be in fact so rustic.
I had been concerned about the government's ignorance towards the rural areas upon my arrival here, but with the ongoing activities in the school, I hadn't had time to actually think about it. But, with twenty strange faces pointing it all out on one hand and Manjil dai talking about how his school was working for the development of the village on the other, suddenly it was clear to me, at that moment, I knew. I was motivated to make a change.
It was like in the movies, when the person has an epiphany and suddenly realizes the meaning of their existence. As cliché as it may sound, I had discovered what I wanted to do, and who I wanted to be. When I was listening to Manjil dai's motivational speech, and watching the flickering light bulb, I realized that I wanted to work to develop the situation that existed not only in Udhin Dhunga but also in every other ignored places in Nepal.
At the age of sixteen, this entire experience had added another personality to my existing identity: a personality that wanted to make a change and affect lives of other people, for the better.
Enjila, the essay is quite informative and engaging. I specially like how you involve the senses of the reader in the story telling. You encourage us to imagine ourselves on the adventure with you. Showing rather than telling us what went on in your life which led to your change in character. The inspiration behind your goals become truly evident as one reaches the middle of the essay where everything important takes place. I would advice you to better develop your concluding paragraph as well. Right now, it is the only weak aspect of your essay because the ideas presented remain under developed and in need to further development in order to become highly relevant to the other important aspects of the essay :-)
