Hi, this is my Boston University undergrad admission essay rough draft. However, i am very unsatisfied with it. It doesn't flow well, the level of writing is low, and the word count is 662 words, and needs to be cut down to 500. This is such a terrible essay, and any input on content, grammer, and word-cuts, is greatly appreciated. thanks!
Prompt:
In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.
Essay:
What makes a person so likable that he or she is practically indomitable to everyone else? From a superficial standpoint, the popular crowd seems to have what everyone craves for: the money, looks, cars, and confidence. Little do they know that in a couple years, no one will remember what car they drove or what outfits they wore. In actuality, it is the personalities in individuals that will be remembered, especially those who are determined, sociable, and reliable. Those qualities I possess.
A characteristic that projects from me is my reliability. As a leader of my school's American Red Cross Club, I have to constantly help in the organization of fundraisers. There was one specific project that I initiated. Since the holiday season was coming up, I wanted to raise funds by wrapping gifts at the Lord and Taylor department store. The funds would go to Oasis, a non-profit organization dedicated to help women and children in need. Shoppers would have their purchased items wrapped and would leave a donation for the cause. In order to get this project completed, I had to not only present the idea to the president of the club, but also speak to the manager of Lord and Taylor by phone and in person. The Red Cross Club depended on me to organize this huge task because they knew I could get it done. It was a lot of work, and if it weren't for my reliable nature, this event would not have been accomplished.
Along with reliability is determination. I conducted this attitude in everything I did. I always completed my goals, making sure they were finished to my satisfaction. About six months after I got my license, my parents thought it was time for me to get a car, since I had a job and extracurricular activities. They set a tight budget for me, and agreed to buy a safe car that was within the price range. However, I was not satisfied with the cars they chose for me. I searched for hours every day for a month and called up numerous dealerships to see if the car I wanted was available. My parents and I went to a few car dealerships, only to be disappointed either because the car had just been sold, or the online asking price was displayed incorrectly. After these failed attempts, one day, I finally found a stylish, sporty car that had the five-star safety ratings my parents thought was a necessity. In the end, it was my determination is what brought me my current car that I worked so hard to get.
Another important trait that I have is being sociable. Ever since I was young, I was easily able to start conversations. Because of this ability, I quickly made acquaintances because I knew how to engage in long-lasting conversations. Indirectly, my parents also helped me practice my communication skills with the phone. I got the "okay" from my parents to celebrate my sweet sixteen, as long as I did all the planning, made all the phone calls, and booked the appointments. Because they forced me to talk to adults, I learned how to deal with people over the phone and know what to say to them. Because of my sociable aspect, I have an easier time conversing with anyone.
These attributes have positively impacted my life and will certainly contribute to the BU community. Teachers can depend on me to finish my work, and students can trust me to do my part in a school project. I've learned through experience that being reliable is important because people should expect me to do what I say I'll do with quality. My perseverance will transmit through my school work, and my gregarious characteristic will allow me to form immediate friendships among students. Determination gets things done and effective sociability allows communication to be transmitted successfully. These attributes can only help me contribute to the BU community to my best capability.
So, why do you think this essay is so terrible? What do you think it needs to be better? I ask because your essay will be strongest if it strongly reflects you. So, let's explore what dissatisfies you about it and what you would like to be different about it.
I feel like I am just stating facts, and providing to many examples that detract the essay's main point: to reflect who I am. I may write this over again. What is another way to support my characteristics without providing these examples?
If you know that the level of writing is poor etc, wouldnt it have been better to have tried to improve it first, and then get feedback on a much stronger version that what you admit, is a weak version?
Taking this into mind, I skim read your essay. You seem to just go on and on.
I suggest removing parts that neither do that much good to your essay, but removing these parts will not do any bad to your essay either.
I also believe that the introductory paragraph in it's entirety can go. It is not uniquely written, cliched and quite frankly, lame. You make it sound as if it is a general and widely held belief, when it is in fact, your belief. (I am not saying your belief is wrong, but there is no point taking up so much word space and preaching about something that is neither interesting nor useful)
Revise your essay. Post a stronger version. What is the point in giving detailed feedback on an essay that you yourself feel that could be better.
I agree, your intro has to go. The transitions between your three traits are quite shakey. Sentences like this "I always completed my goals, making sure they were finished to my satisfaction." don't contribute. It seems to me that your essay is not fluent. Many of your sentences can be combined and rewritten to reduce boredom.
Post a new one.
good luck
What is the point in giving detailed feedback on an essay that you yourself feel that could be better.
Hey now. I imagine that if a person didn't think their essay could be better, they wouldn't post it here looking for help in the first place.
In any event, you need stronger verbs and more concise writing:
Before: "A characteristic that projects from me is my reliability. As a leader of my school's American Red Cross Club, I have to constantly help in the organization of fundraisers. There was one specific project that I initiated. Since the holiday season was coming up, I wanted to raise funds by wrapping gifts at the Lord and Taylor department store."
After: "My reliability is reflected in my work as leader of my school's American Red Cross Club, for which I initiated a gift-wrapping fundraiser at the Lord and Taylor department store."
You could probably make it even stronger (the revised version still isn't that great) but my revision says everything your original did in half the word count. So, go through and rewrite your essay so that the entire thing is half its current length, without cutting any of the examples. Then repost.
Hey now. I imagine that if a person didn't think their essay could be better, they wouldn't post it here looking for help in the first place.
Ya I know what you mean. However, the poster already admits that this is a terrible essay. What I meant is that, more appropriate feedback can be given on a piece that the writer has made an effort to improve, rather than one which does not feature a decent amount of effort.
We may just be commenting on parts that the writer already knows is useless or ineffective, which is quite a waste of time for both the writer and us. Well, me at least.
Possibly the author senses sections are ineffective, but cannot articulate why, and so cannot fix them?
The author does not need to articulate why certain sections are ineffective. If the author can sense which parts are ineffective, these parts should be removed period. That is fixing it.
Well
here is a little help
this what i learned in schoool
when you write a reflection, think of yourself from other's perspectives
^^ yup and think "does this suck? or does it suck not so much?"
trust me, whenever i do that, i find that my stuff usu. isnt too great.
LOTSS OF REWRITES overhear >.<
anyways, dump the 1st paragraph. esp b.c. i disagree. ple will remember what closes u where.
im sorry but its true. they will remember ur personality and clothes and car. i do pageants and i usu. can remember the dresses girls wore from like 2000. but i can also remember the girls that had nasty attitudes as well. its just human nature!
also, you need to tell more about how those attributes will help u in the BU community. i read somewhere that if a college asks u that question specifically, the essay should be about 1/3 of that.
im guessing once u condense ur sentences and take out that 1st paragraph, ull be all set.
GOOD LUCK! :D
