if you like in-n-out burger.....READ THIS UPENN ESSAY.

Hi! This is my UPenn optional p217 essay. Basically, it's like if I ripped page 217 out of my 300 page autobiography. If someone could critique it, that'd be cool. Thanks! :D

...jolted awake from my deep slumber. "Attention, attention, please fasten your seatbelts as we prepare to land in San Francisco, Thank you." The intercom clicks off and I stare out the window as we descend closer to the Pacific Ocean. As we coast closer to the Golden Gate Bridge, I am reminded of the familiar sight-a sight that ended all my summer travels to China as a kid. I quickly go through a to-do list in my head as the wheels of the plane hit the ground and send it hurtling at the massive airport: get off the plane, get my bags, take a cab to my hotel, and quickly rush to Stanford University. Ever since the publication of my landmark discovery of a process that allows babies to be tested for the likelihood of developing cancer later in life, I've had to fly from city to city to give lectures on this process at large universities around the world. The past two weeks have been a whirlwind of events, as Stanford will be my sixth destination. I pull out my notes and I can already start to anticipate the questions that will be asked at the lecture: "How accurate is this test?", "How did your research start?", "Can you test for other diseases that deal with lack of cell death?"

As I start to unpack in my hotel room, I quickly run through the answers in my head when my cell phone rings; it's my friend Katherine from college and a fellow doctor, waiting to pick me up and take me out for lunch before driving over to the lecture hall. I think back to my childhood in the Bay Area, running through a list of my favorite restaurants and one sticks out in my mind: In-n-Out Burger. We race over to the fast food joint and stuff our faces full of deliciously fresh burgers, a luxury I haven't enjoyed since living in California. We get back into her car, bellies now full and caught up with the past twenty years, and head over to the university.

"Wow Becca," she starts as we drive on the highway connecting San Francisco and Palo Alto, "I can't believe you've come so far. I still remember that summer working at Dr. McCall's lab at BU and you couldn't even separate the male and female fruit flies correctly! There we were, back in 2009, dressing up our Build-a-Bears in hospital scrubs, and now here we are, actual working doctors! Crazy..." Her voice fades off as we enter the parking lot in front of the lecture hall. We enter the building and she takes her place among the audience while I run though my notes again and make sure I have my Microsoft Office 2035 Powerpoint slideshow with me.

I take a deep breath before stepping on stage in front of the hundreds of doctors in the audience. All those nerves I had experienced before presentations in high school were gone. Vanished. Participating in student government during my junior and senior year had boosted my confidence in myself and had gotten rid of all fears of speaking in front of a crowd. I step on stage, holding a laser pointer in one hand and a projector remote in the other. "Welcome ladies and gentlemen, and thank you for coming to hear me speak about this new innovation today..."

As we coast closer to the Golden Gate Bridge, I am reminded of a familiar sight-a sight that ended all my summer travels to China as a kid. I quickly go through a to-do list in my head as the wheels of the plane hit the ground and send it hurtling at the massive airport: get off the plane, get my bags, take a cab to my hotel, and quickly rush to Stanford University.<---(Kind of a touchy subject mentioning a rival college in your Upenn essay, but it does make sense later on in your essay. Just my thoughts though.)

Well written essay. Good luck! Take my changes as suggestions

Return the favor and please read my essay:

You get the award for best username, ha ha.

If you search this site, you'll see about a gazillion of those page 217 essays, and they might give you good ideas. There is a big controversy over whether they mean p. 217 out of a life story or out of one's story up until now.

...that made it possible to test babies for the likelihood of... ---> got any other ideas for the discovery you will make? This one refers to a controversial subject that might strike a nerve with some readers. No big deal, though! I think it is great.

I also like the way you began this essay; many people start with an ellipsis (...), but the first few words you chose are especially cool.


This part is a little dull and weird, creating the image of stuffing ("deliciously fresh?") burgers into your face. This writing is so good, I know you can come up with a better use for this part!

:-)