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'I like cheese / architecture / Mali' - Notre Dame


Guest /  
Nov 10, 2011   #1
You have 150 words. Take a risk.
I like cheese. Correction, I love cheese. Hard cheeses, melted cheeses, string cheeses and even the pungent French cheeses. I remember one particular afternoon, sitting in my room immersed in Ghana's scorching heat. I was craving cheese. I'm not talking about the regular kind of craving; I'm talking about the "I cannot concentrate as I am too restless and the only thing that can end this annoying feeling is cheese" type of craving. I do not know how to drive. Nor is Ghana exactly the safest country to be walking in. And nor was the supermarket right by my house. I wanted cheese though. Everyone knows how I feel about cheese. I walked.

Three hours later I was sitting in my room again. Guess what? I had gotten my cheese!

Why are you interested in attending the University of Notre Dame?
I subconsciously believe that looking up universities online became a pastime for me during the last few months. Living approximately nine miles away from the United States, all I had to base my list of chosen schools on was hundreds of online reviews and search engines. Having spent my last year of high school as a boarder, I became acquainted with the beauty of community life and this has definitely played a part in my desire to attend Notre Dame. Out of the myriad of reviews I read, not a single one of them did not mention the great sense of community that exists in the school. Also hoping to study architecture, I believe that a school with a low student-faculty ratio as well as a campus size large enough to allow me to interact with a diverse student body and hence expand my knowledge is certain to help me thrive, and Notre Dame fits into this criteria.

Many people form a list of once-in-a-lifetime activities to accomplish. For example, individuals on the admissions staff hope to visit all the national parks, publish a fiction novel or waddle with penguins in Antarctica. What are a few of the items on your list?

When I think of the bucket list I have created at the back of my mind, the most recurrent item is to swim with dolphins. This is one thing I definitely need to tick off my list at one point in my life. Although most of my friends have deemed me insane for even considering it, another item at the top of my list is to go bungee-jumping; an activity that I have been increasingly interested in ever since I discovered my love for the fervor roller-coasters bring.

With my roots originating in Mali, I have spent many of my Christmas holidays in the capital and ever since I was old enough to take note of my surroundings and ever since I decided that I wanted to lead a career in architecture, I added it to my bucket list that I would like to develop a housing project there, particularly for the underprivileged. My country is one of the poorest in the world and homelessness is one of the factors hindering our development, which is something I'd like to change.

I also plan on hopefully making a pilgrimage to Mecca with my mother someday, as well as learning how to speak my grandfather's language, Sonrai.

I'd love some feedback on these essays especially in terms of content and suggestions/corrections. Especially with the first prompt. I tried to use the cheese as an anecdote about going out to get what I want and would love to know if it's too obscure or too silly to submit. Thanks in advance!
Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Nov 10, 2011   #2
I love the essay about cheese-awesome! Maybe you could be a little more descriptive of how cheese makes you feel, that it is a comfort food for you.

Essay 2) I subconsciously believe... I would change this phrase, it sounds weird. In this essay you sound like you are rambling. Since you have so little space to write-make sure it is quality, remember what the university wants to hear- your major point here is that community is very important to you in a school environment.

In the final essay, it is a bit too wordy. I would just keep it simple, you write very well.
OP Guest /  
Nov 15, 2011   #3
Thanks so much for the feedback!:) Anyone else before I submit the final?
jwoo1111 1 / 2  
Nov 15, 2011   #4
I read about your essay and you write very well.
I love cheese too.
In this essay I felt sympathy so much.
And i agree with Jenny.
naomiyeahnaomi 3 / 3  
Nov 18, 2011   #5
I very much enjoyed the cheese essay.

For the second one maybe try to make it seem like notre damn specifically is the school you want to go to, instead of it just fitting your criteria

and for the third I would suggest keeping it a little more focused, maybe just talk about one or two things you want to do and then develope them instead fo just mentioning a couple

I really enjoy your writing. good luck!
QR2113 - / 3  
Nov 19, 2011   #6
I love the cheese essay.

I also like the 2nd essay too, take Naomiyeahnaomi's advice about making it specific about Notre Dame. Any school can have a great student to teacher ratio and a similar dimension, but What does this school process that makes it your top choice (or one of your top choices) that is different from the rest? (I hope this kinda helps)

The 3rd one can be simplified to 1 or 2 things.

Other than that your an awesome writer, I wish you the best on your admission. :)
OP Guest /  
Nov 20, 2011   #7
Thanks to all of you for the feedback, you have no idea how much I appreciate it! After re-reading my second essay I realized it was bordering on generic. Here are the edited essays. Any grammatical corrections/suggestions will also be appreciated. Will definitely take a look at your essays tonight in return, thanks again :)

Why are you interested in attending the University of Notre Dame?
My last year of high school spent as a boarder acquainted me with the beauty of community life, which has definitely played a part in my desire to attend Notre Dame. Having only online reviews and search engines to base my decision on, the one thing that constantly stood out to me was the great sense of community that exists in the school.

As a prospective architecture major, I was also greatly attracted to the Student Association for Women in Architecture (SAWA) which will provide immense opportunities for me as a female architect in the future, particularly as I hope to work in the housing sector in my home country of Mali, where there are very few working in the field, let alone females. Notre Dame's traditional and classical approach to architecture also drew me in as the majority of Mali's buildings are typical of this type of style. I am also confident that the low student-faculty ratio will also be instrumental in helping me thrive.

Many people form a list of once-in-a-lifetime activities to accomplish. For example, individuals on the admissions staff hope to visit all the national parks, publish a fiction novel or waddle with penguins in Antarctica. What are a few of the items on your list?

I would love to go swimming with dolphins one day. Or to go bungee jumping. However at the top of my bucket list is my desire to develop a housing project in Mali. As one of the poorest countries in the world, homelessness is one of the factors hindering our development and ever since I decided that I wanted to lead a career in architecture, this has been one of my goals.

My parents being Muslim as well as the presence of religion in my family have both made me want to someday make a pilgrimage to Mecca with my mother later on in life. Growing up as a "third-culture kid" has also to a certain extent alienated me from my culture and therefore motivated me to want to learn how to speak my grandfather's language, Sonrai, and one day be fluent in it.
QR2113 - / 3  
Nov 20, 2011   #8
Much better :) I wish you the very best on your admission
OP Guest /  
Nov 22, 2011   #9
Thank you so much! :)
_alan25 2 / 15  
Nov 22, 2011   #10
You just have to love the cheese one. Here are some points you might want to consider. You're essays are all splendid, this is just my take.

My last year of high school spent as a boarder acquainted me with (introduced me to) the beauty of community life, which has definitely played a part in my desire to attend Notre Dame. Having only (Limited to) online reviews and search engines to base my decision on, the one thing (factor?) that constantly (continually) stood out to me was the great sense of community that exists in the school (on campus).

As a prospective architecture major, I was also greatly attracted to the Student Association for Women in Architecture (SAWA) which will provide immense opportunities for me as a female architect in the future. Particularly as I hope to work in the housing sector in my home country of Mali, where there are very few people working in the (architecture) field, let alone females. Notre Dame's traditional and classical approach to architecture also drew me in as the majority of Mali's buildings are typical (similar) in the type of style . I am also confident that the low student-faculty ratio will also (redundant) be instrumental in helping me thrive.

I would love to one day eitherswim with dolphins or go bungee jumping. However, at the top of my bucket list is my desire to develop a housing project in Mali. As one of the poorest countries in the world, homelessness is one of the factors hindering our development; ever since I decided that I wanted to lead a career in architecture, this has been one of my goals.

My parents being Muslim as well as the presence of religion in my familyGrowing up with Muslim parents, as well as the presence of religion in my family have both made me want to someday make a pilgrimage to Mecca with my mother later on in life. Growing up as a "third-culture kid" has also, to a certain extent, alienated me from my culture and therefore motivated me to want to learn how to speak my grandfather's language, Sonrai, and one day be fluent in it.

Like I said, these are mostly unnecessary, but something you might want to look into :)
OP Guest /  
Nov 24, 2011   #11
^^Thanks so much -your suggestions have been really helpful. Appreciate it


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