Topic # 3 Newton's First Law of Motion states that an object in motion tends to stay in motion in the same direction unless acted upon by an external force. Tell us about an external influence that affected you and how it caused you to change direction.
I like to consider myself as a fledgling learning how to fly. A mother bird can teach its baby the tips for flying, but it's all up to the baby to fly. If I were afraid to falling, I would never fly. At first, I was afraid of throwing myself out into this world. My parents always protected me. I was so used to my parents taking care of me. At first, I missed my parents and their strict rules. I hated the fact that I had to set my own rules and regulations. It took me a long time to realize that without self-control, I cannot make it in this world. This experience has put myself in perspective of this tough and challenging place we call the world.
Society doesn't always have its arms open and ready for you. I couldn't be an immature teenager anymore. I didn't have my parents to remind me of what I am supposed to do everyday. No one was there to tell me if I was making the right choices. There were times when I just wanted to give up everything and call my mom for help. Frustration piled up like the unclean dishes in my kitchen. I wanted to live a 'normal' student life like all my other friends. But then, I started to realize something. One day, as my friends were complaining about how little spending money they received and how annoyed they were of their parents, something clicked inside me. What I had was a privilege. I was the one living the 'normal' life. This privileged life had finally opened me to the real world. It was as if this experience uncovered a veil called teenage life, and I was able to view the world the way it was suppose to be.
I have certainly learned many valuable lessons through this experience. The most essential one is that small things are the key to making it big in this world. No one can shine in this world without knowing how to take care of oneself. How can somebody manage a whole company if he cannot even keep his house clean? These weren't any new ideas I came up with. My parents have tried to drill these messages in me for 18 years. It took me six months of living alone to finally realize what they were trying to teach me.
I can't say I have learnt everything about the world through this experience. I have only begun to dip my toes into this ocean. There will be some rough times in my life. There will be times when I find myself caught between vicious waves. When those times come, I will remember the things I learned today; I will remember not how hard it was when I lived alone, but how great it felt when I stayed strong and fought through the waves. I will remember that once the waves leave, I will have advanced deeper into the ocean.
hmmm i feel like i'm missing something in the conclusion..seems unfinished..but arghhh i need lots of touchup on this..plz help me out guys!! thanks =]
Well, I'm so bad at grammar so I'll leave it aside :p.
While reading your first paragraph, I thought that the "external influence" that made you choose to live on your own is your failed attempt to USC. However, after finish your essay, I got a little confused. Maybe the external influence in fact is your experience in living alone, and it helps you get more mature, and more determined to face difficulties?
Anyway, if your idea is the former, then you will need more elaboration.
After getting rejected by the school of my dream, I chose not to attend any other colleges and to start over- on my own. I was living with my mom during high school and my dad was back in Korea. When I decided to take another shot at USC, I made the decision to live on my own.
I think you should have more details about why the rejection caused you to change direction, why did you choose to live on your own, unlike others who also been rejected?
Also, I notice that you tend to use this experience, you used it 3 times, a little much I think :D.
And I really like some of your analogies/metaphors, such as
Frustration piled up like the unclean dishes in my kitchen
I have only begun to dip my toes into this ocean
Finally, I feel like something is not right about your essay, and it's not your conclusion, I think your conclusion is good.
These are just my humble opinions :D. Good luck.
haha i do feel like my essay doesnt flow the way i wanted to
my intension were to write about living alone as my external influence
and the reason why i had to move out was..like i stated in the essay...
cuz my dad needed my mom more than i did..but i guess that wasnt made
clear in the first paragrah..well when i first wrote the essay it went over the
500-700 limit and so i started erasing stuff that i thought werent as important
and now the essay doesn seem to flow...any ideas on how to change it...?
thanks for your opinion tho..
i really need help on this =/..anyone else with other ideas or comments plz
feel free to criticize lol
You can get the conclusion to feel complete by tweaking your thesis sentence. Right now the thesis seems to be, "I had a very premature understanding of independence when I first tried to live on my own." Let's change the focus of the essay to be on your learning experience, which is what you describe in the last paragraph:
...It was a tough choice. After getting rejected by the school of my dreams , I chose not to attend any other colleges and to start over -- on my own. I had been living with my mom during high school, and my dad was back in Korea. When I decided to take another shot at USC, I made the decision to live on my own. My dad, going into his mid 50s, needed my mom more than I did. It all seemed simple to me at first. I knew how to feed myself, I had a job, and I had a goal - what else did I need to worry about? I had a very premature understanding of independence. Now write a sentence that introduces the idea of surmounting the adversity you faced, and then move on to paragraph 2.
After a long day of school and work, I come back to an empty and dark home. It wasn't always empty, and the lights were always on, until I decided to move out and live on my own. It was a tough choice. After getting rejected by the school of my dream, I chose not to attend any other colleges and to start over- on my own. I was living with my mom during high school and my dad was back in Korea. When I decided to take another shot at USC, I made the decision to live on my own. My dad, going into his mid 50s, needed my mom more than I did. It all seemed simple to me at first. I knew how to feed myself, I had a job, and I had a goal - what else do I need to worry about? I had a very premature understanding of independence. There were myriads of hardship awaiting me in this journey. Each adversity was like a teacher to me, and it trained me in ways no textbook could ever teach.
how does that sound..? do you think there is a smooth transition between each paragraphs? and does the conclusion seem complete? I keep feeling like theres something missing in the last paragraph
Change to: Each instance of adversity was like a teacher to me, and it trained me in ways no textbook could ever teach.
Great! Now that you added that last sentence to the intro, you can refer to it in the conclusion and the essay will be complete. Conclude with a sentence in which you reflect on how adversity has been like a teacher.
One last thing: school of my dreams
thanks a lot for the help =]
