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"I like traveling, cultures, and the world." - Yale - who am I?!


yenna 9 / 23  
Dec 30, 2010   #1
Here is one of my options. I have another essay I could use if this one isn't good soooo please critique and tell me what you think :)

I paced around nervously awaiting my Academic Decathlon interview. As I took a deep breath the head interviewer opened the door; the interview had begun. I flashed a smile, shook the interviewers' hands and took a seat ready for the first question.

"Tell us a little about yourself."
"Oh my." This was not a question I had expected. I panicked and started to babble about my age, grade, and other forgettable facts.

This single question continued to bother me and made me wonder - "Who am I?"
I am bubbly. I love talking, laughing, and meeting new people. I am bouncy and happy almost 24/7 and there are often days when my jaw hurts from smiling too much.

I am seeker of knowledge. If there is something I am curious about try to learn about it. I remember my first fascination with the world when I would stay up late with a flashlight to read about different countries. I love to read and I love the prospect of being able to learn more.

I love music. I love my violin and piano and usually spend two hours a day for music. I loved my music theory class in high school and cannot live without my iPod.

I am different, well weird. I sniff new foods, I gave up on Doritos after I heard there was bat guano in them, and I have a terrible habit of picking my scabs. I can lick my elbow, trip over thin air, and have about ten different laughs.

I like food. Many people are often surprised at how much I eat because I'm underweight and short. I like eating and trying different foods - but I am also very picky about what I like and don't like.

I am confident. I believe in myself.
I am active. I love interaction and like to keep myself busy. I joined clubs during high school so I could keep myself busy doing community service and meeting new people. I like to move around and can't sit still for over maybe four hours.

I like traveling, cultures, and the world. In the future I want to travel to different places and learn more about the people and cultures of countries.

So who am I? Of course there is more to me than what I just talked about but I think I have a general idea. Through this essay I have been able to explore myself - who I am, what I like.

Now I am confident about my next Academic Decathlon interview. I will now be prepared to tell the interview judges who I am:
"My name is Annabell Brien and I'm 17 and a senior in high school. I'm a quirky, bubbly teenager and I like music and food. I love involvement and hope to pursue my passions and further explore myself at Yale."
Gracious10 3 / 23  
Dec 30, 2010   #2
I like the idea, i used a similar direction for my essay (btw try editing it in return) but i'm afriad it lacks structure i say pick the most influencial from your rant and expand on that. but wait till others post before you revamp your whole essay
TheFreeMason11 6 / 54  
Dec 30, 2010   #3
It has some grammatical issues, but I think this is a good option to go with. Some of the facts you gave were entertaining and fun, but what you gave was a list. "I am this, I do that,..." as entertaining as it was, you do run the risk of an admissions officer not liking it because you're just listing off qualities, but in my opinion, it is well-written enough to pass off as genuine essay because so much of yourself (or at least who I think you are) that you can't find on your application came through.

If there is something I am curious about, I try to learn about it.

But even with this correction, you still use the word "about" twice and too close to each other. I would recommend revising the sentence as a whole.

I am different, well weird.

I can see that you're trying to do a pause here, but pauses like what I think you're trying to achieve don't translate well to the written form. Plus, I don't that I gain much from this sentence at all.

I like to move around and can't sit still for over maybe(pick one of these to use) four hours.

"My name is Annabell Brien,and I'm 17, and a senior in high school. I'm a quirky, bubbly teenager and I likewho likes music and food. I love involvement and hope to pursue my passions and further explore myself at Yale."

Good luck to you!
OP yenna 9 / 23  
Dec 30, 2010   #4
oh shmanks guys :) I shall go re-edit!


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