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'I never liked the idea of change' - Common App


mc52 4 / 14  
Dec 20, 2011   #1
Below is a very rough draft of my common app essay. Can you guys please help me revise it and tell me how I can fix it to make it better? Thank you! It's a topic of your choice.

It was the summer before freshman year of high school and the anxiety was already beginning to stifle me. I've always heard people say that "everything changes in high school" and ever since hearing those five words, the possibility of JAMM kept me awake throughout summer. Call me stubborn but I never liked the idea of change because change was accompanied with ambiguity. The two combined together was bad news and I didn't want high school to come between us. I always identified myself as JAMM. My parents, close friends, and even my teachers recognized me as JAMM. In case you're wondering, JAMM is not my name. It's actually an acronym my best friends and I came up with to acknowledge our strong sisterhood. The four of us have been best friends since middle school and since then we've all been one entity. We did everything together and were hardly ever separated. JAMM is a part of me and I had no intentions of changing who I was either.

I suppose I was too naïve to know it but change is inevitable. It's bound to happen and unfortunately I was not prepared for it. I was separated from JAMM. I didn't have any of the same classes as them and for the first time ever, I felt lost. I was so used to having JAMM by my side all the time that I've stunted myself from developing a sense of individualism. They seemed to have been prepared for this moment because they were onto developing their own passions and pursuing their own goals while I was still trying to figure out who I was. This made me wonder if I had been hiding myself behind JAMM. Ironically this level of uncertainty and confusion motivated me to gain individuality. I was starting to realize that JAMM is not one entity but four distinct individuals.

Since our separation I started to learn how to function on my own and develop my own identity. I began to talk to different people and make new friends. I joined different clubs and became more involved in marching band. I was beginning to find my own interests and who knew I'd get so involved in marching band. I was realizing that high school was a time of change. In spite of my strong dislike for change I saw that the ambiguity of change may lead to unexpected experiences but it's all a part of growing up. I was finally defining myself and becoming more independent. Before separating from JAMM I was content with staying the same and I didn't want JAMM to change. I was too naïve to see what was really happening. I was afraid to step out of my comfort zone.

High school gave me the chance to be someone without the influence of JAMM. I've realized that JAMM is an extension of me. Throughout the years, I've grown into someone who is willing to accept change and its ambiguous partner.
sean111 4 / 6  
Dec 20, 2011   #2
I don't think it is wise to explain the meaning of JAMM at the end of your first paragraph. Up to that point, I was lost in what you were trying to say. Afterwards, I had to re-read the paragraph to fully understand it-- very annoying for the reader. Try structuring it in a way that doesn't leave the reader clueless for a period.
OP mc52 4 / 14  
Dec 20, 2011   #3
I see what you mean. Where should I explain the meaning of JAMM?
eyansu1 1 / 4  
Dec 20, 2011   #4
You should elaborate more about JAMM. Give good examples like, you would join the same clubs and societies together, brave some significant problem together. You know, some tough stuff that makes the JAMM sisterhood what it is.

You could also mention how the sisterhood was beginning to be torn apart and how you girls became separate entities.
I like your theme though, not some boring old story about success. :) good luck
Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Dec 20, 2011   #5
Hi, I can help:

Call me stubborn but I never liked the idea of change because change was accompanied with ambiguity. The two combined together was bad news and I didn't want high school to come between us. As a reader, this statement makes me stop and wonder why is ambiguity the first thing that change relates to? I think that is the case sometimes, but change can often surely lead to something great. Re-phrase this, maybe you could call yourself traditional or set-in-your-ways. Of course, high school is always a bit mysterious and frightening because it is a big change.

The four of us have been best friends since middle school and since then we've all been one entity. We did everything together and were hardly ever separated. Avoid sounding "wordy", you say the same thing three times in a row.

I suppose I was too naïve to accept it but change is inevitable. This may sound better.
TheJavaDuke 1 / 3  
Dec 20, 2011   #6
ever since hearing those five words, the possibility of JAMM kept me awake throughout summer (here it seems like the possibility heard those words.) Change it to: ever since hearing those five words, I was kept awake throughout summer by the possibility of JAMM.

accompanied with = accompanied by

I had no intentions of changing who I was either = Don't say either

I suppose I was too naïve to know it but change is inevitable = I suppose I was too naïve to know that change was inevitable.

and its ambiguous partner = I suppose that the partner is ambiguity itself? I don't know if you should refer to ambiguity as ambiguous..

Overall, good essay.
OP mc52 4 / 14  
Dec 20, 2011   #7
Thank you for your advice Jennyflower81 and TheJavaDuke! Is there anything I can change to make my essay flow more or make it more coherent. The limit is 500 words and as of now I have 487 words
TheJavaDuke 1 / 3  
Dec 20, 2011   #8
The revisions look good, but I found some errors:

JAMM is a part of me and I had no intentions of changing who I was = JAMM was a part of me and I had no intentions of changing who I was. (Use past thense here)

I realized that by sharing my passions and goals with JAMM would enhance our friendship even more = I realized that by sharing my passions and goals with JAMM, our friendship would be enhanced even more.

good luck
OP mc52 4 / 14  
Dec 20, 2011   #9
Thank you again for your input :) I really appreciate it! Should I take some content out or add some more? Would this be considered as a "final draft" yet?
Guest /  
Dec 21, 2011   #10
"Ironically this level of uncertainty and confusion motivated me to gain individuality." (not sure if it's ironic..)

Other than that, I think the grammar's okay. except in some sentences you should put commas, i think they would have a better flow with commas. eg:

"Since our separation, I started to develop my own identity. "
"In spite of my strong dislike for change, I saw that the ambiguity of change can actually bring forth the best and lead you to great experiences."

The content's good, i don't think you need to need to add anything. it already has a nice flow. and i think the essay's great because i can like hear your voice throughout it.

Good job and good luck! :)
OP mc52 4 / 14  
Dec 21, 2011   #11
Thank you for your input! The commas certainly did make the sentence flow better.
What do you suggest I replace "ironically" with in that sentence? Would "Consequently" work?
Prettywings 1 / 74  
Dec 24, 2011   #12
In my view, when you became separated from your friends, you had to form your own identity, so I would suggest something along those lines.
OP mc52 4 / 14  
Dec 24, 2011   #13
hmmmm so how does "breakaway" sound?
Prettywings 1 / 74  
Dec 24, 2011   #14
I think "breakaway" is fine. The basis of your essay is about "breaking away" from your friends, so this title makes the most sense.
OP mc52 4 / 14  
Dec 24, 2011   #15
Thank you for your help!
super57 6 / 23  
Dec 25, 2011   #16
try reshaping it start wih a scenerio (perhaps from when u last saw ur friends) then start telling ur journey through high school. topic could be something with JAMM as thats ur main thing in essay.


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