hi can you please help me i wrote 2 essays on the following topic...Evaluate a signifcent risk or ethical dilemma and its impact on you...
can you PLz tell me whcih 1 is btr n certain eits that i shud make
il rly appreciate it..THNX
Essay 1
Testing My Limits
The beginning years of my High School life were characterized by my aspects of being a very shy child. I had low self-esteem and was always conscious about what my fellow peers would think of me. As a result, I was not very outgoing and had limited friends.
When I moved to Pakistan I was introduced to a completely different environment. Although my parents were born in Pakistan they had not accustomed me to the culture, language and religion of Pakistan. It seemed as if ignorance to the characteristics of the Pakistani society would further undermine my social skills.
However, as the years passed by I gradually grew accustomed to the people, their language and their ways of living. My academic achievements had granted me the opportunity to run as sports captain for my school. Every year my school divided itself into four houses Panther, Puma, Jaguar and Leopard. Towards the end of the year, the Houses would compete in a series of games in order to win the House Cup. A sports captain would be elected by the members of each house who would prepare their house for the games but would also act as a representative for each house. I knew that running would not only mean undertaking great responsibility but it also meant socially interacting with children unaquainted to me, something that I was reluctant to do. However, I took the risk and ran for the election.
I had to undergo weeks of irksome campaigning during which I interacted with many children. There prodigious degree of likeness for me augmented my confidence and I was successfully elected as captain for Panther House. However, the success of winning and the popularity also bought responsibilities. I began by trying o fulfill the promises I had made. I was successful in fulfilling my promise of installing new playground equipment and providing a menu which provided a greater variety of food in the cafeteria. I prepared my House for the upcoming games by holding afterschool practices. However, the children were in such vast amounts that it was difficult to organize. I knew that I would not be able to do this on my own and therefore decided to seek my Vice Captain assistance. Together we devised teams for each sport along with a schedule determining the days they would practice. We also decided to hold club meetings during which we interacted with the children and discovered their needs and wants.
That year my house did not win the House Cup. However, that year I won something that I doubted that I would ever achieve; the quality of being a true leader. That one risk I took by running for house captain completely changed who I was as a person. I gained a hard work ethic and self- confidence. I learned how to handle responsibilities and the amount of persistence and commitment one requires achieve or maintain something they have. I also learned how teamwork is a major component of success. Now I welcome every challenge I am confronted with for every challenge can test your ability to succeed.
Essay2
America - A Salad Bowl of Variety
"Americans are good for nothing; they have contributed nothing to this world. All they have done is stolen the culture and traditions of others and have promoted their useless preachings to various parts of the world. They are lazy, inconsiderate and disrespectful people", said a woman sitting opposite me on the bus. Her graceless remarks drove me into profound thought, "Were Americans really characterized to be such people? Was their prosperous image a façade of their inferiority?"Before I could answer my questions I had arrived at the airport and was boarding my flight to the U.S.
I was born in America and lived there for ten years of my life. Later I moved to Pakistan where I was introduced to a completely different environment. Although my parents were born in Pakistan they had not accustomed me to the culture, language and religion which characterized the inhabitants of Pakistan. However, as the years passed by I gradually grew accustomed to the people, their language and their ways of living. Soon I became more conservative and became alienated to the American customs.
Five years later I was given the choice to either continue staying in Pakistan with my grandmother or to move to New York where I would have to start a whole new life again. Moving to America would mean adapting to a new environment all over again. The people and even the education system would be completely different. However, I decided to undergo the risk and moved back to the U.S.
When I arrived in New York I was dumbfounded by the sight of the tall buildings. I soon came to realize that NY was characterized by busy streets with people bustling about occupied with themselves. Noise and flashing lights were common characteristics of the city.
I began school after two weeks of my arrival. My anxiety and fear on the first day of school ended by the friendliness of my teachers. During my classes I saw how children of different nationalities were interacting. I was keen to explore the cultural background of my peers from different countries and therefore befriended them. I soon become acquainted with children who originated from different backgrounds. I formed a diverse group of friends which constituted individuals who contributed to different cultural backgrounds. I met children from the Middle East, Asia, different parts of Europe and even Africa. They all enriched my mind with their fascinating culture and traditions. Many of the children took me to their places of worship such as temples and churches where I learned about their religions.
My risk of coming to America had been a great advantage to me. It helped build on the foundations of my cultural awareness. It allowed me to interact with children of different backgrounds in the future thus, making it easier for me to adjust and contribute to any environment new to me. I can now prove the remarks of the woman on the bus wrong. Americans have not stolen the culture and traditions of others but provide a stage for people of different places to promote and share their traditions.\
essay 2
said a woman was sitting next to me on the bus.
When I arrived to New York.
I was dumbfounded by the sight of the tall buildings.(skyscrapers).
I can now prove the remarks of the woman on the bus were wrong.
Do not capitalize "high school."
The beginning years of my high school life were affected by the fact that I was a very shy child.
Although my parents were born in Pakistan , they had not accustomed me to the culture, language and religion which characterized the nation 's inhabitants. of Pakistan.
In the end of the last para of the first essay, you have room for one more sentence. You should use that last sentence of the first para to write a sentence that tells the reader something about how this essay is about overcoming your introversion and becoming a confident team player.
My anxiety and fear ended on the first day of school because of the friendliness of my teachers.
Thnx ill make the changes...but which essay do u think i shud sen 2 my colleges?...which 1 is btr for the given topic?
just to remind u the topic is evaluate a significant risk or ethical dilemma and it impact on you...
Essay 2 is the one!!! The first essay is similar to many admissions essays, but essay #2 is extremely interesting, and it really shows your contemplative nature.
ok i got my essays read from a person who works at this writing centre at my sisters college and hesaid that both essays dnt go along with the topic..is this true?
Don't worry! I see what he means, but you can fix it easily. In order to make it about an ethical dilemma, all you have to do is write a sentence or two about how you felt compelled to adopt this prejudiced view against Amricans -- in order to fit in with other prejudiced people -- but then you solved the dilemma by exploring the truth that we are all just people.
The dilemma was the pressure to conform to prejudiced views, and you solved the dilemma through contemplation and experience.
Make it clear that you had a dilemma!
im still confused int an ethical dilemma something that goes into contradictio with your moral beliefs?..
and isnt the 1st essay better because it shows all of the qualities I have as a person...
I think the second essay is a better piece of writing. Even that first line is really.. gripping. Ha ha, it really gets my attention as an American person. :-)
I know they always say you are supposed to tell about your personal qualities, but that is what makes admissions essays so boring usually! You create a great experience for the reader in the second essay. that's what I think, but it's just my opinion.
Your definition of ethical dilemma is correct.
