In an essay of 300 words or less, tell us something about yourself that isn't covered elsewhere in this application, some interest or experience of yours that you think the University of Illinois should know about as part of the admissions review.
I didn't really know what to write for this essay, so one can tell that my thoughts are all over the place from reading it. The conclusion isn't strong either. Please give me feedback and help me out. Thanks
A year ago, my school friends and I visited a motherless Babies home called "Lions village motherless babies home" owned by the government.
Honestly, I was a little bit reluctant to go because in Nigeria where I live, most orphanages owned by the government are not well kept, the children are not well fed, and the environment in which they live in is not conducive at all. The only reason I ended up going was because my mother said to me "Sade, just go. After all, all your friends are going. All those children want is to be loved. I don't see why the state of the orphanage should stop you from showing love to those kids". After listening to what my mum said, I decided to visit the orphanage with my friends.
When my school bus arrived at Lions Village, the environment was as bad as I expected but nevertheless, it didn't bother me much. We were then led into the small bungalow to say hello to the orphans. There was one infant in particular who I seemed to take interest in. Her name was Funmi. Funmi was abandoned by her mum by the roadside after she was born because her mother didn't want her anymore. When I looked into Funmi's pearly eyes, I was filled with compassion, and I got a sudden shiver all over my body. I then began thinking to myself "how could someone be so cruel enough to abandon a child so delicate, and so divine next to a gutter? Why?". Looking into the eyes of this baby alone warmed my heart to the point of tearing up. This child was a gift, and Funmi or any of those children in there did not deserve to be where they were. They each had stories which gripped my heart and made me think deeply. Being there alone for these kids and just holding their hands meant everything to them.
This experience was an eye-opener because it made me grateful for the amazing parents I have, and made me realise how blessed and privileged I truly am because, It's funny how, as I got involved in knowing these children, the unconducive environment they were in, or the state of the orphanage did not even come across my mind, neither did it bother me. It wasn't even my main focus anymore.
Honestly, I was a little bit reluctant to go because in Nigeria where I live, most orphanages owned by the government are not well kept, the children are not well fed, and the environment in which they live in is not conducive at all.
This sentence is too long. Maybe you could split it up like this:
"I was reluctant to go, due to the conditions of orphanages run by the Nigerian Government. Most of them are not maintained, the children often go without meals, and overall, the environment is not conducive to their needs."
I know that there is a word limit, but I wonder if you can quickly mention what was the purpose of your trip to the orphanage? Why did your school bring you there? Was it to help you see how good your life was compared to those less fortunate? Or, was it merely to volunteer with the children?
Your essay is organized just fine. The conclusion needs work. When you say this: "It's funny how, as I got involved in knowing these children, the unconducive environment they were in, or the state of the orphanage did not even come across my mind, neither did it bother me. It wasn't even my main focus anymore." I think that it could be revised into what lessons you learned that day, and how did the experience make you see your own future in a different way?
Some suggestions for your essay:
First, you'd better use "did not" rather than "didn't" and "it is" rather than "it's", because it seems formal in this way.
Second, you mentioned that "I was filled with compassion". I think in the essay you'd better use some description to let me feel your compassion rather than directly "tell" me "compassion".
Third, I think on this sentence "They each had stories which gripped my heart and made me think deeply." you can elaborate some more or just change the sentence. Because it is not that cogent.
And the last one for the conclusion, I think you should emphasize much on how you are grateful for your recent life and stop lingering on the poor situation of those orphans.
I think in the conclusion you should talk about how it affected you more to make the conclusion stronger
Is this better?
About a year ago, some friends and I visited "Lions village motherless babies home," an orphanage owned and run by the government in my country, Nigeria.
At first I was reluctant to go, due to the conditions of state owned orphanages in my country. They suffer from poor maintenance, and the conditions under which the children live are quite simply appalling, to say the least. In the end it was my mother who convinced me to go with a short speech that went something like this, "Sade, just go. After all, all your friends are going. All those children want is to be loved. I do not see why the state of the orphanage should stop you from showing love to those kids". After pondering on my mother's words, I decided that visiting the orphanage with my friends was the right thing to do.
When we arrived there, we were led into a small bungalow where some of the children resided. One of the children in particular captured my interest. Her name was Funmi. Funmi's mother had abandoned her on the roadside shortly after she was born because she did not want her. When I looked into Funmi's pearly eyes, I was filled with compassion and warmth. I then began thinking to myself, "how could someone be so cruel as to abandon such an innocent, helpless child on the roadside?" This child was a gift, and neither she nor any of those other children deserved to be abandoned the way they were.
While the conditions at the orphanage were just as unfavourable as I expected them to be, that all paled in comparison to the way I felt when I actually came into contact with the people who it was really all about, the orphans. This experience was definitely an eye-opener for me because it made me more appreciative of all the love and support I have around me. I am happy I listened to my mother and went with my friends to the orphanage. I will never forget the lesson I learnt from my trip to Lions Village motherless babies home.
