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"List of hardships of an immigrant family" - My daily struggle and how I overcome it


mayraaf 1 / -  
Nov 25, 2010   #1
UC Prompt 1:Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I hear my mother's screams as I finally get to my senses and I see the all too familiar blazing red 5:30 AM on the digital clock on my dresser. I slowly rise out of my bed, my textbooks falling off my bed where I had left them studying the night before. A quick shower, grab of some toast, and a quick goodbye to my mom and off I am towards school. This has been my daily routine since the ninth grade. This day-to-day hardship that has been part of my life only adds to a list of hardships; my parents are divorced, my house is pure chaos, and I live in the [bad neighborhood]. And yet, I have been able to handle all this. My own ability and determination to be able to overcome these obstacles IS what has shaped my dreams and aspirations in life.

Coming from a family that has been torn in a divorce is something that has definitely made me open my eyes to what happens in the real world. Seeing my mother struggle, something that she still does to this day as a matter of fact, trying her hardest to provide for my sisters and I in order to make ends meet was a self-realization that I had as a small child; I wanted to be able to make sure that I do not lead the same kind of life. I continually push myself in school; show no mercy when it comes to my classes, all to be able to seem myself engulfed in a brighter future where the mistakes my parents made will not haunt my same dreams.

Getting an education has definitely been quite an adventure for me for that past four years. Living in South Central, the part of Los Angeles that most people try to avoid and that is most looked down upon, has labeled me as a sort of automatic failure in the eyes of many. Traveling to my high school takes a bus and train ride away, waking up at 5:30 in the morning to be able to prove all those individuals that see me as failure is incorrect.

Fulfilling my role as the first generation of an immigrant family to go to college is something that I am determined to accomplish. Being the oldest in my family and having younger sisters who look up to what I have done and what I plan to do is something that further motivates their dreams too. I want to be able to look back in the future to be proud of being a great influence to my sisters to that they too could break free from these social chains that people have labeled on us; for not having enough money, for not having a respectable family, for not having all the "necessities" needed to truly be happy.

I have come too far in life to fail now. I plan on making something out of myself so that not only my family will have something to be proud of, but for others who, like me, have had a difficult life may also find the courage and strength to continue in trying to make their dreams come true.

genevieveedu 5 / 14  
Nov 25, 2010   #2
Definitely strong; perhaps a bit cliche.

I would avoid the 'scene-setting', descriptive imagery you begin with - UCs do not want any creative writing in the personal statements... any.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Dec 7, 2010   #3
I hear my mother's screams

I don't think screams is the right word, because it confuses the reader into thinking the essay is about something horrifying.

You did not do enough in the first para to show that you are up against special adversity. Everybody's parents are divorced, and many live in bad neighborhoods. It is okay to use this as the theme, but do not jump from saying this to saying it is evidence of your perseverance.

I guess I think divorce is too common to be used as evidence of triumph over adversity. I definitely do not mean to suggest you have had no adversity,... I just think the essay needs to be strengthened by a secondary theme.

And eliminate unnecessary words:
Coming from a family that has bee n torn in a divorce is something that has definitely made me open my eyes to what happens in the real world. Seeing my mother struggle, something that she still does to this day as a matter of fact, trying her hardest to provide for my sisters and I in order to make ends meet

I plan on making something out of myself ------If so, tell us about the plan. What are your goals? What is your action plan? That is a good secondary theme for the essay.

:-)


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