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UC Prompt #2 - Listening to chinese music and how it's inspired me


tonythetiger 2 / 14  
Nov 21, 2009   #1
Prompt #2 (all applicants)

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Among my personal experiences, the most important to me was going through my parents' music albums. About twelve years ago I listened to Wakin Chou's album and song, "Peng You." After listening, I began to become more interested in Chinese music and more importantly, culture and heritage. Shortly after listening to the album, my mother enrolled me in a Chinese school to learn Mandarin. My interest in Chinese music motivated me to learn Mandarin and Chinese culture and history. Today, I'm fluent in both Cantonese and partially in Mandarin and my mother was glad she didn't waste her three-hundred dollars weren't wasted per semester. I began reading Chinese books, watching television shows, and researched about China and Hong Kong's history. The more I learned about my ethnicity it became more interesting.

My two brothers don't know much about the Chinese language and culture, but my little brother, Terence, was curious despite going to the same Chinese school. I decided to teach him about the language and culture. Everyday when we walked back home, I taught him a few words. When we arrived to our house, I showed him the characters of the words I taught him. After finishing our schoolwork, I told him facts I knew about Chinese history. My little brother began working harder in Chinese school; on top of that, my mother started tutoring him after she figured out how I helped my little brother get back on track. I felt very accomplished and now my little brother is also fluent in Cantonese and partially in Mandarin.

I communicate with my family, especially older relatives, in Chinese and enjoy watching Chinese television shows. Chinese newspapers and books are easily readable to me. Listening to the song "Peng You" influenced me and definitely changed my life for the better. I feel proud knowing what I accomplished has a lot of meaning to me. Even though learning Mandarin and Chinese culture did consume lots of time and hard work, I am thankful that I stumbled upon my parents' music albums many years ago. That experience possibly alternated my life in a positive direction.

Word count is 353 words.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 23, 2009   #2
Maybe it i one of the most important but not the MOST important?
Among my personal experiences, one of the most important to...

After listening, I began to become more interested in Chinese music and, more importantly, my cultur al and heritage.

Listening to The song "Peng You" influenced me...

I had to move your other essay to a new thread; we're trying to keep only one essay in each thread.

That experience possibly sent the course of my life in a positive direction.

Good, I really like the way you combine music with your heritage. Another sentence about that would make the essay even better; I think it is the most important part of the essay.
OP tonythetiger 2 / 14  
Nov 23, 2009   #3
I'm adding another sentence to the end of the last paragraph..

My cultural heritage has inspired me and made me proud of who I am.

Would that be a good closing sentence??
k8255 3 / 3  
Nov 23, 2009   #4
I think you should provide more information about how such experience is related to you as a person.

If you include that in the conclusion, this will be a great essay!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 23, 2009   #5
It would be good if that sentence was even more specific: what about your heritage inspired what about the person you are becoming?

It is good, but it could be better.
:-)
OP tonythetiger 2 / 14  
Nov 23, 2009   #6
I was intrigued by Chinese music which inspired me and made me proud of who I am.
OP tonythetiger 2 / 14  
Nov 25, 2009   #7
Chinese music inspired me to never give up and that there is always something worth fighting for in the end.

Would that make a good closing sentence??
Mustafa1991 8 / 373 4  
Nov 25, 2009   #8
"Among my personal experiences"

I think this is far too broad a category; it does not confine the issue in any sense because your breathing life at any moment, constitutes a personal experience.
OP tonythetiger 2 / 14  
Nov 25, 2009   #9
listening to the album though can't be a personal quality, accomplishment, talent or contribution though. listening to the album was the experience.

i said among the personal expereiences, listening to the album is one of my most important ones

btw- is the closing statement i put good?? couple posts above.
Mustafa1991 8 / 373 4  
Nov 25, 2009   #10
Well, I didn't read the prompt. Having read it, it seems more coherent but also more presumptive. Given the different options a, b, c, and d, you can't just say "among all the c's ..."

Slow your roll. Set the scene -- music notes and melodies if you will -- and let your essay announce itself.

The concluding line needs to finish powerfully.

- Detail
- Final message
- Cohesiveness
- Structure
OP tonythetiger 2 / 14  
Nov 25, 2009   #11
When I listen to Chinese music, it makes me proud to know I am Chinese and it inspires me to never give up because there is always something worth fighting for in the end and you will always get positive results if you never give up.

I'm kind of confused as to how to type this. I have ideas on my mind but can't translate it onto my computer. =/
OP tonythetiger 2 / 14  
Nov 26, 2009   #12
or how about..

Listening to Chinese music reminds me of my cultural heritage, because that is where my curiosity for the Chinese culture began.

????
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 27, 2009   #13
Listening to Chinese music reminds me of my cultural heritage, because that is where my curiosity for the Chinese culture began.

I like this one! Write:
...because it was in the appreciation of music that my curiosity about Chinese...

This one tries to say 2 things in one sentence... too much!
When I listen to Chinese music, it makes me proud to know I am Chinese. Our music inspires people to never give up, because there is always something worth fighting for, and in the end and you will always get positive results if you persevere .


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