Thank you for taking some time to look at this, especially with all the college deadlines approaching. The essay topic is from Stanford University and reads,
"Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate-and us-know you better."
The response has a max of 250 words. Please be as harsh as you can, I need these essays to really shine, I'm not even afraid to hear that it needs to be rewritten if necessary.
Thanks again and enjoy!
Navigation has never been my strong point. I just mastered my way around my high school, and now that I'm moving to a new school, in a new city, I really hope you're a local. Any directions you give me will be futile, so be sure to leave your phone charged so that when I call, panicking because I'm totally out of place or in a bad part of town, you will be able to provide life support for my broken internal compass.
Ironically, one thing I can say I have despite being a poor navigator, is that I have a good sense of personal direction. After my compass hones in on a new goal, I am tenacious and unstoppable. During our time together, you will probably notice me studying hard when the pressure's on, but I hope to never stop enjoying my time in college. I am an easy-going person that is quick to jokes, but slow to anger or frustration. I don't know what type of person you will be, but my biggest hope is that you will have a healthy sense of humor.
Mohandas Ghandi once said, "If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide." Although a little extreme, I feel the same way. I believe that everyone will feel the sting of the thorns of life, but what makes everything worth it is when you bend down to smell the rose.
Any directions you give me will be futile, so be sure to leave your phone charged so that when I call, panicking because I'm totally out of place or in a bad part of town, you will be able to provide life support for my broken internal compass.Run on sentence.
I like it. Very nice transitions, everything makes sense. I'm getting a sense of who you are, but I don't know, this seems like a generic answer to me. Like I kind of wish you put something that I wasn't expecting, like a quirky and interesting quality. I mean, it's fine the way it is now. Just my two cents. A few minor tweaking needs to be done, like the ones I mentioned above. Good luck!
I love this! I really like the ghandi quote but I think it would be powerful if the roses sentence did not follow it. It comes off very typical and cliche. but just my opinion, otherwise its very original :)
I really did enjoy reading this essay. Everything flows very well. The second paragraph specifically is a bit cliche but it's better to have a good cliche essay that people will enjoy reading then a creative essay that comes off a little too fake and like you tried too hard. Good luck!
Thanks everyone. This is the first time I managed to get a draft of this essay out without rereading it and deleting everything, but I agree it is somewhat bland. I'll try rewriting some of it and see what happens.
Alright, I rewrote the second paragraph and touched up the conclusion. For comaparison, here is the original:
And the revised version:
Navigation has never been my strong point. I just mastered my way around my high school, and now that I'm moving to a new school, in a new city, I really hope you're a local. Any directions you try to give me ...
Thanks again for reading, let me know what you think, and remember to be honest!
Lets just hope we make it out with out eyebrows.Without eyebrows?
I think you're rewrite is much better. A couple of things, there doesn't seem to be a connection with your second paragraph and the last one. Good luck!
YESSS !!! the eyebrows part is the bestttt. the humor lightens up the conclusion without taking anything away from the quote. I wish I could write this welllll MAN!
i like the second paragraph of your first draft MUCH better
this is because your argument is much meaningful here:
Ironically, one thing I can say I have despite being a poor navigator, is that I have a good sense of personal direction
than it is over here:
Although I would crash a ship into the rocks if I was the poor soul charged with the task of navigation, I have a very curious mind.
in your first draft i think you pretty much show yourself very well (at least i would enjoy having a room partner like you after reading that one)
i hope my argument made sense..even though it is a bit cliched everyone would enjoy reading it
Hmmm. This all makes things difficult. I will see if I can combine the two in some way without making some kind of frankenessay.
After having my mom read both versions, I decided to go with the original version. She said that it captured my voice better, so I think that'll work. This is (hopefully) my final version. Please read and let me know any more thoughts you might have. Thanks as always!
P.S. I wasn't kidding about getting lost. Keep the phone charged if you ever want to see me again.
haha glad to hear that my opinion got backed by your mother =)
and please if you don't mind, can i ask you to critique my cornell essay..i really need some feedbacks