This is bad, any criticism is appreciated. Thank you.
Your personal statement should speak to your academic goals and why you think you will be successful at The University of Iowa. Include any additional information that you feel is important to tell the admissions committee. Examples might be related to academic commitment, extracurricular activities, creative talents, aspirations, family circumstances, opportunities/experiences, factors affecting your academic record, or why you are applying to Iowa.
I live in Beloit, the city at the "bottom" of the state. We share the same economic issues as the rest of the nation, and in our population of 30,000, you will be able to find just about every culture. To an outsider, Beloit is filled with bad neighborhoods, gang violence, and schools with low test scores. Take a closer look; scratch the surface, there is so much more. Each person that lives here has a different story. Some have lived here their entire life, while others may have just moved here. These people, the ones that live in bad neighborhoods, and those who come from different economic situations, no matter what color their skin; they are the people I attend high school with.
Friday night football games and friends you won't forget accompany the 24 credits needed to graduate. You would think this was your typical high school, but there isn't much that is typical at all. Every time I sit in a classroom there is a possibility that the girl sitting next to me has a professor as a parent, and the boy sitting next to her has a parent in jail. A classroom with 28 students is a classroom with 28 perspectives.
I attend a high school in which we have been taught more than you can read in a text book - a place in which diversity is abundant. The stories many students read about poverty and ethnic struggles, I grew up living in the middle. The knowledge I have gained can't be bought, and it is my knowledge and perspectives I want to share.
I think this is an inspiring statement, but could use some work. Grammatically, there are a few sentence fragments and I do not think you should use contractions i.e. "can't." Also, you should write more about your academic goals and what they are. From reading this, I understand that you have an open mind and enjoy diversity and appreciate it, but I do not know what your future goals are. Also, why this college? You speak about your town, but speak more as to why this particular college suits your academic goals and personality. Lastly, the beginning when you speak of "bad neighborhoods" and "low test scores" is a bit too negative. You can write that a little better without having to necessarily sounding too harsh.
Hope this helps!!
Please comment on my essay!! Brown Supplement: What don't you know?? Music and other things...
Thanks!!
