Hey all,
I'd love to get some feedback on my essay (in particular) and short answer for the Common Application. It's due tomorrow, and I'll be staying up as long as necessary in order to fix whatever I have to!
Short Answer: Elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities. (150 words or less)
Total words: Exactly 150 words! ^.^
Friedrich Nietzsche summarized it best when he said to "live your life as a work of art." Well, here is my art.
I live vicariously through my piano. When I feel the melody under my fingers and hear the serene elegance of 19th century romanticists, I'm no longer an introvert - I'm enchanted and alive. Music is truly the quiet man's performance; in a moment, you're mourning a lover, in the next, you're fleeing from the Erlking. You say so much, without ever having to say anything at all.
I've been able to combine my love for music and learning by becoming a volunteer piano teacher. It's been so rewarding to watch my beginner students grow, to see their bewilderment evolve into enjoyment. Teaching has helped to reinvigorate my own musicianship, and that's how it should be - because music is a learning experience I will never give up.
Common Application, Prompt #1: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Total words: 602
This is a completely rough draft. I just wrote for the sake of getting something started, and I'd like to know if it makes any sense, at all. My creative juices are running low! :(
When I was a child, I used to believe that even my most inane ambitions would come true. Of course, this was easy to do when my parents seemed to encourage every goal. I would tell my mum, "I want to become a Disney Princess and live with the woodland creatures," and she would smile proudly in approval. But there's a point when reality smacks you in the face and suddenly, no one is supporting your daydreamer mentality. It's an odd phenomenon that's left my mum, dad and I in endless arguments.
My parents were never given the opportunity to pursue their post-secondary studies. Growing up in the impoverished regions of the Philippines, education was simply a far-fetched dream, one that would never come to fruition. From a young age, they instilled in me the importance of getting a reputable degree and career. In their eyes, these were the two necessary factors to achieve success and happiness. In their eyes, happiness was monetary.
For so many years, I allowed myself to live in the pretence of what would please my mum and dad. They envisioned my life in the medical field, misconstruing my sincere compassion as the makings of a good physician. I could see their thoughts run wild at the idea of me dressed in scrubs, saving lives and earning good money. But this isn't the life for me. It's my dream to become a high school English teacher. The notion of helping others to discover the vast world of metaphors, prose and drama fills me with nervous excitement; it's that childlike essence of insane conviction that I've missed so much. In my eyes, this is what happiness should be.
I've watched my dad work 16-hour days at jobs he's hated, and I've seen my mum struggle to find work due to her lack of formal qualifications. They tell me all the time, "Adda babawik nga di nagbasa idi." - that is, "I regret not going to school". Their lifetime of hard work has made it so hard for me to stand up and say that I want something else, that my definition of happiness is different from their definition. I don't care about accumulating vast amounts of wealth, or having a career which is superior to everyone else's. I want my work to be a reflection of who I am, and not what everyone expects me to be. I just want to do what I love.
It was Dr. Seuss who said to "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." It's taken a while for me to find truth in this, but slowly, I've come to understand what he meant. These disagreements with my parents have strengthened my beliefs of what I want to do in life, and how willing I am to chase my dream of becoming a teacher. I've resented my parents for making me feel guilty about my career choice, yet the need to please them will always be there, because I know that ultimately, they just want what's best for me. I need to be happy in order to make them happy, and while it's still difficult for them to see my point of view, I know that they're trying. By allowing me to apply to an American college, so far away from Vancouver, I know that while they may not agree with my choices, they want me to chase my dream, too. Now, it's up to me to make it happen: for my mum, dad and myself.
THANKS!
Actually, I really like it. It is genuine and the adcoms will know it. It is also well written.
It's an odd phenomenon that's left my mum, dad and I in endless arguments. - should be "my mum, dad and me"
You will need to be careful that your grammar is perfect since you want to be an English teacher. I'm not great at grammar, so hopefully some others will make corrections.
In the first short essay, I would change :
Music is truly the quiet man's performance; in a moment, you're mourning a lover, in the next, you're fleeing from the Erlking. You say so much, without ever having to say anything at all.
Music is truly the quiet man's performance; in a moment, I'm mourning a lover, in the next, I'm fleeing from the Erlking. I say so much, without ever having to say anything at all.
Good luck.
This is not quite right: I live vicariously through my piano. When you live vicariously through the piano, it means you are taking satisfaction from what the piano experiences... so, it is not quite right.
...to see their bewilderment evolve into enjoyment. ----> great sentence!!
Hey, here is the sentence that should be used to start that 2nd essay: I've watched my dad work 16-hour days at jobs he's hated, and I've seen my mum struggle to find work due to her lack of formal qualifications. They tell me all the time, "Adda babawik nga di nagbasa idi."----> how do you feel about moving that to the beginning? It is great!
