This is the essay for my Yale supplement. I will add it to my Harvard supplement as well. Please read through and tell me what you think. Please tell me if something is wrong or if it could be improved with better words or phrases. Thanks!
I live in Sri Lanka; a country which used to be driven by war. A country where you didn't know when you'll get blown to bits while innocently traveling to school by bus in the morning. My home, though, was situated in a safe place, where nothing dangerous ever happened. But the place my mother came from was different. It was a place where death was a part of everyday life. And I would soon experience it myself.
With my mom, I had to travel to Jaffna. Jaffna was the hub of the war. It was the place the terrorists called home. It was where all the attacks were concentrated. We had to get some documents from the council in my mother's birthplace, or she wouldn't be allowed to stay at our current home. We arrived and found that we had to stay for three days to get the needful done. It felt like time was flowing much slower in Jaffna. It definitely was.
It was the second day and we were having lunch. The pain and suffering the people of Jaffna were going through was clearly represented by the food they ate. Just as I lay down the spoon after having taken another mouthful of rice, we heard an intensely vociferous bang outside. It sounded dangerously close. There was screaming. I couldn't determine whether the screaming was due to agony or despair. For a moment we sat there. Petrified. The screaming had ceased. We went over to the window to see what had happened outside. Calling the sight horrendous would be a huge understatement. The cracked road and the grass beside it were sprayed red and had pink chunks of dead life littered across. We were safe from the blast, but the sickening sight was too overwhelming to feel anything other than despair and abhorrence.
This happened two years ago, but I can still see it clearly. I can still remember the way my eyes scanned the scene - from the bottom left of my vision to the top right. The two women who stood there, dumbfounded and oblivious, after narrowly escaping the blast. The detached head that was looking straight up at God with vehement resentment. The many severed limbs, of which one seemed to be moving. The macabre emanation that could be seen as well as smelled. I can still see it all. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget any of this. I wouldn't want to.
Having retrieved the necessary documents, we left for good the next day.
This rather disturbing experience has left me with something a lot of people lack today: the appreciation for life. People aren't grateful for what they have been offered. People kill themselves due to problems that can easily be overcome. Kids call themselves 'emo' and cut themselves intermittently in order to maintain that qualification. While there are people struggling to stay alive, losing lives due to the very reason of being at the wrong place at the wrong time, there are others who simply give it away. I have learned to appreciate and accept everyone around me, regardless of ethnicity, place of birth or skin color. I hope to pass this message on to as many people as possible.
The place was called Jaffna, and it was a place I hoped I would never have to visit.
Rewrite this sentence) place...place doesn't seem okay
It was where death was a part of everyday life.
Death was a part of everyday life there.
My mom, on the other hand, didn't have anyone to rely on but me, as my father was working in India and wouldn't be allowed to leave
from his workplace.
I like your topic, but you have to make more descriptions of the event, and make more transitions.
Please make suggestions about my essays!))))
Your essay is OK. I am am not from US but i think colleges like Harvard and Yale need more than OK. You have an interesting topic but the way you write flattens it out a little. You might want to try using more active voice, imagery and direct speech. They can help liven up your essay. Also, I think you should use a less formal tone.
Your grammar is very good; could you check out my essays?
Use better word choice and sentence variations. Otherwise it's pretty good. Good Luck!
Thank you very much for your replies. I will do the necessary changes. Is it possible for you to give me some better alternative words, wherever you think necessary?
experience has left me with something a lot of people lack today: the appreciation for life
This is a unique essay topic. I enjoy this subject matter, although I would also suggest adding transitions and such to provide your writing with an improved flow. Like others above, I would advise adding more details to truly draw the reader into this event. Were there any other sensory or emotional details which resurface? In other words, how can this memory become enlivened (much like a flashbulb memory...)?
But most of all, elaborate on the life lesson you obtained. Explaining more can more significantly show the importance of this epiphany of "the appreciation of life".
Other than that, well done! Good luck on your future endeavors, and thank you again for your commentary!
The core message of your essay is quite interesting and rather unique, and the experience you share seems to get your message across quite well. I would attempt to vary your word choice a tad (I noticed the word "place," in particular, seems to appear far too often when you're setting explaining your experience,) and, as Littlechef suggested, elaborate more on how this appreciation for life has shaped you as a human being. For example, you could mention how this appreciation has influenced your decision of a major, or how the appreciation will benefit you while you're studying at Yale / working in your desired field of employment.
Best of luck with however you decide to revise your essay. I hope your applications go well!
Thank you very much for all you suggestions. This is my improved essay. Please tell me how I can improve it further.
I didn't get to read your original draft, but this new one is very powerful. You clearly state that you have seen some of the horrible things that can happen in the world, and they have taught you to look beyond the shallow reasons many use to pity themselves. The only thing I found bothersome was that up until the last paragraph I felt kind of disturbed, and clueless as to the point you were going to eventually make. Perhaps allude to your realization earlier, say in the introductory paragraph. It would give the story more of a realistic reason for being on a college application earlier than the last paragraph.
Hope I helped, if you find time please review my essay!
