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"I live in Yogyakarta with my family" - An Essay about Myself


AndiniN 1 / -  
Mar 22, 2011   #1
My name is Andini Noviana, people usually call me Dini. I'm a student of SMA Negeri 3 Yogyakarta senior high school. I live in Yogyakarta with my family - my father (an engineering), my mother (a housewife), and my little brother (a junior high school student).

My school, SMA Negeri 3 Yogyakarta, also known as Padmanaba, is the most favorite high school in my city. Like other high school, SMA Negeri 3 Yogyakarta teachs the academics ability to the students. I joined the natural science class because I like the subjects that need calculation such as mathematics, physics, and chemistry. And my academic strength is in mathematics.

However, SMA Negeri 3 Yogyakarta doesn't only teach the academics ability to the students, it also allows the students to widen their potential by creating events. I was involved as a committee in some events. They are Science and Debating Competition known as "Padmanaba Science Tech Week" and Music Concert known as "PSIKOPAD!#5 Golden Age". In "Padmanaba Science Tech Week", I was the coordinator of the fund raiser division. I made sponsorship proposal and negotiated with the companies that were given the proposal. I also ask for donation to the alumni. In "PSIKOPAD!#5 Golden Age", I was the coordinator of donation team, a subdivision in the fund raiser division. Because of our great effort and the kindness of the God, both of the events were succeed.

Besides the events, the extracurriculars also help the students developing their talents. I joined three extracurriculars: Theater Club, Hiking Club, and Robotic Club. In theatre club, I learn to act in front of people, automatically, we were also trained to gain more confidence. Hiking club is the suitable club for people who want to learn to stay alive in the wild nature. We climbed the mountain with limited amount of food and drink. But that's absolutely fun. Moreover, I'm sure this ability will be useful someday. Robotic club is my most favorite club. In robotic club, I learn to make robots such as line follower robot and battle robot. When I was in the first and second grade, I often joined robotic competition with my club. Our first competition was in 2009, it's a regional competition. We sent two robots and one of our robot took the 2nd place. In 2010, we joined that competition again. We've tried to make better robots. We sent five robots in three different categories. Two robots for beginner category (analog robot), one for expert category (robot equipped with microcontroller), and two for battle category. In this competition, all of our robots became the winner. In beginner category, we won as the 1st and 2nd winner. In expert category, we won as the 1st winner. And in the battle category, we won as the 1st and 2nd winner.

and with all my experiences and abilities, i want to go to Kyushu university to improve myself by getting more knowledge and experience there

Please give comments, correction, and suggestion. Huge thanks.
ranaislazah 2 / 5  
Mar 22, 2011   #2
Hei glad to know you from Indonesia too!
i have some corrections for you :
I'm a student of SMA Negeri 3 Yogyakarta senior high school -> well, i think you don't need to add SHS if you mention ur complete school. if you want to translate it you can write -> State Senior High School 3 Yogyakarta

However, SMA Negeri 3 Yogyakarta doesn't only teach the academics ability to the students, it also allows the students to widen their potential by creating events. I was involved as a committee in some events. They are were Science and Debating Competition known as "Padmanaba Science Tech Week" and Music Concert known as "PSIKOPAD!#5 Golden Age".... I also ask asked for donation to the alumni. (you start it with past)

in the last passage, there are some grammatical error, just check it by yourself, i have to go due to my final exam (UAS). t(-_-t) *fighting
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 24, 2011   #3
I think you should add one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph, and let it be a sentence the gives the MOST IMPORTANT message... the idea or theme you want the reader to remember after reading the essay.

Like other high schools, SMA Negeri 3 Yogyakarta teaches high quality academics.

You have some great accomplishments!
I think it is important to add a conclusion paragraph. Conclude the essay by writing again about your MAIN IDEA.

Every essay needs some kind of theme. It needs a CONCEPT that the reader can remember. What is your concept?


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