Feedback please.
I didn't want to show it to any teachers since it seemed too personal. :)
Thank you!
Prompt #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school -
and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
For the last ten years or so when I began to truly recognize the world in which I lived in, I pretty much thought I had a perfectly ordinary life. I was conceived unintentionally, my parents divorced when I became five, and I was raised by my aunt, then my grandmother. It was in seventh grade when I finally came to live with my mother and the new family members: my stepfather and stepbrother. But life as it is seemed fine as always. Adversities, either minor or major, befell in life all the time and to anyone. I knew that the things we possessed without the faintest gratitude for were merely burrowed for a period of time, and that it could be taken away from us at any moment in our lives. It was, without a doubt, rather uncomfortable living with the new family as a daughter of my mother's former spouse, yet I felt grateful for the effusive effort of my stepfather, struggling to treat us as fairly and equally as possible.
But no matter how much I endeavored to grasp until the end the optimistic perspective of life, I was indeed an unfortunate child. Throughout my middle school years, all that I ever imagined of was suicide, and I could not have justified the means of these unpleasant thoughts if I had not read Paulo Coehlo's novel: Veronika Decides to Die. The protagonist, Veronika, simply claims how the most terrifying intention of wanting to kill oneself lies in the sense of vast emptiness. I constantly failed in convincing myself that there was, in fact, what people claimed to be the essence of life, and it was about then that I began to blame my mother. Something had struck me, perhaps an accusation, that it was all because I had been severely traumatized during my childhood years by my own mother: when my aunt would only buy her son the donuts I craved for as well, when I was not able to live with my own family until my second year of middle school, and when my stepbrother, at the age of five, warned me how my stepfather was 'his dad.' But the most critical of all was the sense of alienation I felt amongst my own family, the atmosphere of complete isolation. In a household where it seemed as if there was no position left for myself, I lacked the passion and enthusiasm in setting a goal in the first place, before even considering how I would attain such an objective. If I were to have no one to share my accomplishments with, what significance would those euphoric moments possibly have?
Then, I became seventeen. It was the beginning of this year, 2010, when I actually started to feel the maturity flower inside of me and became aware of the reality in which I was forced to face upon, as my mother told me her story, her life up until now. She started by saying how I was now old enough, mature enough to learn of what lay underneath the veil that had hid the truth. Before then, I knew none of the tears she would shed after her shift as a waitress, that her remarriage was based on the hope of resolving monetary problems, and that she had deemed herself as a sinner since the day she delivered her one and only daughter. I had never been victimized nor alienated by my family all this time; my mother had spoiled her second child to redeem herself from what she had failed to do for me.
Only two things came into my mind as I underwent another trauma, realizing the real sin lay in my ignorance: I would never follow the same path my mother once took and live the life she chose to live, and that I will not be able to rest in peace upon my death unless I free her from the miseries that took her down. From then on, how much I wanted to let go of this world to end my own miserable soul did not matter. It was not about me anymore. I lived to save her and to save myself; after all, living alone in euphory while neglecting the welfare of my own mother just won't do.
Thank you ! <33333
I expected the comment that I should discuss more about how I overcame the times of hardships, but I didn't exactly 'do' something to get over with my depression. When I heard my mom's past, that was just a wake-up call for me. But when I heard her cry after arguing with my stepfather due to monetary problems, I just knew I shouldn't be complaining about life and depression. I simply decided that I will never again think of committing suicide. I didn't improve in my grades or involved myself in extracurricular activities. After all, I do have 4.4 gpa and more than 200 hours of community service. But the actual change was my mindset; before, I would do well in school because.. for no particular reason. I guess it's because that's how 'good students' are? There was no goal after highschool. However, I do visualize my future now. Now I really live because I want to live. :)
^Now this is essay material, especially since you don't talk much about your dreams and aspirations in the essay.
I think that it's perfectly fine to aspire to live. In fact, I think it's the most important thing.
It's also important to tell the reader of your vision for the future. Having one is also something important.
For this essay I guess the mood is very important and that's why I'd like to see the last 1/3 of your essay look like a sunrise because right now it doesn't quite do that. I would do this by stating what you just said in your comment. Of course without the grades and stuff. Focus on your outlook on life. In the end I would also try to provide a new direction that your going to go in from now on other than just plain living.
You need to make it certain without any doubt that you believe in your future now.
Thank you :))) I really appreciate it!
This is the last paragraph that I added.
Listening to my mother's past was a wake-up call. But witnessing her tears through my own eyes changed everything. I just knew at that very moment my complaints had to cease from then on. I simply made a decision that I will never again dare think of committing suicide before the eyes of my mother. No, I did not improve my grades at school or involved myself in extracurricular activities. In fact, it had nothing to do with doing something. The actual change had occurred in my mindset. Before, I would do well in school for no particular purpose or goal, but rather to secure the image as the good student at my home and school to avoid the fuss. Now, I do visualize my future after high school. I live today because I want to live and eventually succeed in my profession, because I am willing to share those moments of success with my mother. Yes, I believe in tomorrow.
I think that the last sentence sounds corny as well,
but I do really believe there is tomorrow now that I'm done with thinking of suicide.
Before, I was not sure if I would be breathing the next day and I wanted to express that. lol
I just knew at that very moment my complaints had to cease from then on. I simply made a decision that I will would never again...
No, I did not improve my grades at school or involve myself in extracurricular activities.
The end is not really corny. A lot of people do not believe in tomorrow, and this can be inspirational for them. It might be good to add an unexpected sentence at the end, though.. a sentence about what, specifically, you want to do, and maybe you should even add one more sentence to list 3-5 short term goals. Listing specific goals in an essay is like adding nuts to a candy bar.
:-)
