"Living in a diverse community" My major passion has remained unchanged - Why UWC?

Hi guys, I am applying to an international college, and the following question is on the application. The word limit is 300, and I'm 344 currently... It would be awesome if you could help my narrow it down to fit in the word limit. I'm also looking for feedback, tips, and any corrections, because this is a very rough draft. Thank you so much!

Please provide a statement explaining why you are interested in attending a United World College, describing what you might contribute to the College and what you hope to gain from your experience there.

Throughout my youth, my major passion has remained unchanged; I wish to help those in need, specifically by working towards gender equality. Last year, with the desire to approach the issues surrounding international development and gender from a culturally broadened and global perspective, I spent a year living in Turkey on a Rotary exchange. I found this experience deeply transformative, diversifying my worldview today. Returning to Canada, I've searched for ways to build upon my newfound perspective. I was first introduced to UWC by current Pearson student, NAME, and I felt immediately drawn to the college. As I researched UWC further, I saw many of my own values mirrored in the philosophies of the schools. I was amazed to find a program that emphasizes intercultural understanding, community service, and equality as ways to further human development and work towards achieving world peace. I hope to attend a UWC college, chiefly, because I am strongly appealed to the prospect of living within a diverse community, and thereby forging lasting friendships with people from a variety of backgrounds. Living in a diverse community, I could gain a multiplicity of perspectives on international issues. This would be an amazing opportunity to broaden my understanding of both the world and myself, providing me with the tools necessary to help others in the future. Additionally, I believe that UWC would prepare me academically for university, and deepen my self-awareness regarding my possible studies and career. I believe I would contribute the UWC because of my openness and desire to learn from to people from a great variety of backgrounds. I am accustomed to living communally with others whose culture, religion, or opinions differed greatly from my own, and find it very interesting to do so. I hope to have a positive impact my community and world, and regularly pursue opportunities to be of service. I am applying to UWC, because I believe that at a UWC college, I could gain new experiences which I could not receive anywhere else. I view this opportunity as truly transformative and enriching.

Great way to start your essay! I think your vocabulary is good but it may be distracting and using big words may seem like jargon. I think you could make your conclusion stronger by tying it back to your main passion of helping people. to shorten your essay you could take out the bit where you say "This would be an amazing opportunity..." because you make it quite clear thought out the entire essay.

I hope this was helpful!!!!

Throughout my youth, my major passion has remained unchanged; I want to help those who are in need, specifically by working especiallytowardsfor gender equality.


I think ElmYew's got a point. This is good, but some parts lack clarity;


I feel you should present this idea more clearly.