Spanish poet Antonio Machado wrote, "Between living and dreaming there is a third thing. Guess it." Give us your guess.
Inspired by Jill Hampshire, AB'08
Preface: ''You can reach above 110 in Toefl.'' I talked to myself confidently. ''Here, let guess. My component scores will be 30, 29, 23, and 28, and the sum is exactly 110; how reasonable it is.''
''You think too overly optimistic about your result.'' I uttered a despondent murmur when I saw the result on ETS.org.
It was too sharp and painful contrast that I thought I would never expect any sanguine outcome again.
The reality was that my Toefl score is humble and that I daydreamt about remarkably high score. Great expectation and great self-torture! It was not the first time I drove my hope to the high elevation that, after noticing I was floating on the unrealistic sky of achievement, I could not immediately find any lifebuoy to keep me from falling to ugly truth.
My stuck-with-high-expectation life witnessed such so many cases. It was when I expected my first toefl score; it was when I longed for IChO; it was when I believed that I could study abroad at one of prestigious university in the USA.
- Dreaming is so sweat and extremely ecstatic.
I closed my reality to open the world of darkness and fallacy in which I saw myself boastfully signal my friends, in the way that seemed to be unintentional but intentional in fact, that I reached over 110 in Toefl. I also dreamt about the vague and unconscious scene in which I, as well as my friend, had in my hand the silver color scintillating feebly. The vagueness of my dream made the medal's silver color seemingly corroded; its color was like that of aluminium pot. I sympathized with my happiness, knowing that my effort paid off. Suddenly, the discourteous alarm from my phone disrupted, reigning shadow over my medal. I opened my eye and tried to indulge in this feeling again by reconstructing this precious dream screened on my unconscious mind. In a nutshell, I conjectured that something good and pleasant would come to me.
The reality is never less ugly and dreadful
I hated to answer any question about my Toefl score.
''What is your last Toefl score?'' The woman asked me with curious voice; she was intern or maybe teacher at this English center.
''My score is humble that I feel a little bit ashamed. I just reach 91; and my component scores are 28, 21, 20, and 22, respectively.'' I expressed with tone of humiliation and modesty.
''Well, I think it is a good score.'' The woman soothed my uneasiness. However, I felt the contradictory feeling, needless to say.
I also hated to recall my high school years. In these years, I failed to attend IChO, the competition in which I had declared to my friends arrogantly that I would participate for sure.
''You know, I will attend IChO for sure, ''said I, without pondering carefully about what truly is IChO.
''Hope that you can have what you want,'' said my friends with cheering voice.
With all incentive received from my buds and my conceited self, evidently, I fortified more and more my belief in participating IChO. However, my underestimating IChO eventually paid off, painful and sullenly.
Between living and dreaming is disillusionment. I felt disappointed because I over expected everything and because I overestimated my horizon.
-Obviously, dreaming is relentlessly excruciating.
Needless to say, my dream did not have any realistic element in it, so that was why it turned out to be painful rather than sweet. Now, sometimes I said to myself that if I could return to the time I took part national competition, I would thought and behaved in another more mature and more careful manner. That I would tell to my friends that I just hoped to have national prize and that IChO was my stimulus to advance in study rather than my ultimate goal: whether or not I could attend IChO was not important because my life was long enough to have more chances to join IChO-like competitions. If I cound return to the time before I took Toefl test, I would not think anything about my score and my performance. Rather, I would brace myself that only thing I needed to do was to complete this test. Whether or not I could reach more than 100 or 110 was unimportant
''If my score is less than my goal has set, I just need to practice more and take it again,'' whispered I in optimistic manner.
Reality is reality. Who says that reality is terrible? Standing the positions of other people who did not and could not achieve national prize as I did, I felt totally different. I was not complacent, but I could make my overachieving self have less pressure. Why I had to afflict myself while in fact so many people could not do the same? Why I felt so overwhelmed when I heard my friends' achievements and assumed that I could do the same while I could do the smaller and humbler first and the bigger later?
''You can have medal, so do I; you study hard, so do I; you are smart, so am I,'' proudly compared I.
Between living and dreaming is satisfaction. I feel contented for what I strived for and what I succeeded whatever the results were.
Between living and dreaming, for me, is the precious lesson.
''You compensate in reality for what you have dreamt.''
-Dreaming brings sense of freedom and motivation.
Straightforwardly, I may dream too much, but at least, I could encourage myself to achieve bigger things. I dream of being IChOer, so I have more knowledge of chemistry. I dream of having high score in Toefl, so I have more preparation and skills. I dream of attending your university-maybe it is impossible for me, and at least I have some direction for my future: I will strive to go to your university in any prize.
Dreaming is freer than anything in this world. Why should not I dream? When I dream, I have more opportunities to prove my unique self: to prove that I really like chemistry, that I study hard and that I like your school for certain reasons, not for its rank and its fame.
Reality is the beginning of the race, the point from which I start, and the place in which I know exactly who am I?
The reality is that I love chemistry, so to become a chemist, I have to work much harder. The reality is that I want to become part of your university, so I have to show my excellence in study, and more than anything, my devotion to yours.
Between living and dreaming, for me, is advancement. I will absolutely make some progress if I know where I am standing and why I should dream.
It is my first post here. I really need helps to improve my essay. So please give me some feedbacks!
