Topic of your choice. I just described how speaking is me and an event that went with it. I need some feedback on it.
Living the everyday
I search through the abyss that makes up my mind. I am always wondering why the unexpected is the imaginary. The silence of wonder is broken when I speak. Speaking allows me to grasp the possible as well as help me better explain the impossible, so that I can make both a reality. The inevitable becomes my fear when I speak because my thoughts have been translated into something that exists. Somehow, someway I am speaking the words that are written through a way in which I understand what insinuates the core of my personality.
As I travel through the cauldron of my memories, I noticed that I'm undergoing a constant revolution within myself, so that I can be the difference. The emotions I experience are a clinging to my dynamic speaking each day.
A new essence of me was shaped at a typical student government meeting two years ago in which everybody sits around and proposes ideas that are never enacted. I hadn't slept much two days before. However, when the wintry breeze grazed my face and became...
Very creative essay. I like your use a description, but I think you should elaborate a bit on the student government part. Why did many step down? I understand that you are trying to say that speaking is important, but unless someone is familar with the situation your trying to depict I'm not sure they will get your entire message.
The use of language throughout was very will done. It kind of reminded me of an epic poem.
If you could look at my essay that would be great. I'm having issues grasping what the prompt is asking for.
GREAT ESSAY! It caught me from top to bottom. Your description is great, as well as your language. The context of the essay does depicts much about your speaking, but the syntax of it add up much to your way of speaking. The way you write is great, which gives the reader the certainty that you REALLY speak very well. I agree with map18, you should add more on the student government to prove your point completely.
Best of lucks!! :)
Please check my MIT Department Essay is just 160 words, is not long :) Please! :)!!
the essay is very personal as well as creative! it really captures my eyes! good job
Great essay! I would elaborate more on the student government part, though.
you come off as a very educated, thoughtful, action based, perceptive, accountable man
...great glimpse into your mind
That is why I said, "We are now at the crosshairs of limbo-----dont say that is why i said,,it is too wordy and not powerful enough, find another way to introduce your quote
My interpretation is ignited by my inception of reason.----beautiful writing
Many of the leaders in student government realized that they could not stand still much longer and many stepped down because they could not lie about their actions any longer.---i find the repitition of the word longer to be dull
please look at my two essays
You can choose to stay the same or to change into a governing body that does what it says it will do. (redundant, i feel)
I really enjoyed this essay, and I think your corrections do help!
Can you read my cornell essay?
depiction not of what I am physically but of what I believe...need a comma after but
My hand may rise or fall but be certain that it will never be level because there is no balance too one side of me.
----the sentence needs commas..not exactly sure where
When all is over and I look back, I understand both more and less from my action because my change was now the new way of life...confusing...i think you should change was to is bc you are doing the action now so the present tense is appropriate
them exerpt that u change and made more dramatic is way better...good job
I think this one is better. The other one does not strongly assert what you are all about... not as well as this one, I think. The other one starts with a 'life is a highway' cliche... and the last line of the first paragraph is not powerful.
I am always wondering why the unexpected is the imaginary.--I don't understand this part, though.
Somehow, someway I am speaking the words that are written through a way in which I understand what insinuates in a way that reflects the core of my personality.
You are too abstract, though. Don't use more than one abstract line per paragraph at the most, because abstract lines require a lot of explanation, and if you let even one abstract sentence go unexplained the writing is not so good.
Do you mean crossroads here? ---> "We are now at the crosshairs of limbo.
This essay can be great if you add explanations in place of abstractions and if you add a few strong sentences that boldly express your action plan in"no uncertain terms."
:-)
I love this sentence------> "Somehow, someway I am speaking the words that are written through a way in which I understand what insinuates the core of my personality." Although, Kevin (^^) is right. It is too abstract and part of the sentence can be taken off .
YOWZA...this essay needs to be stripped of all the large vocabulary that creates an abstract effect. Content-wise, there are some serious contradictions, which might sound smart, but if you stop and really consider what's being said, it creates an opposite effect.
For example,
I search through the abyss that makes up my mind. I am always wondering why the unexpected is the imaginary. The silence of wonder is broken when I speak. Speaking allows me to grasp the possible as well as help me better explain the impossible, so that I can make both a reality.
Abyss...often refers to something infinite or deep, but deep in a physical context, such as a cave. I am leaning that you mean your mind is infinite, which is partly true. We are all controlled and influenced by our experiences and environment. Next, you ponder why the unexpected is never seen coming. If something is unexpected, then you can't see it coming. As humans, we all face limitations and are all unable to control many aspects of our environment. So far, you are telling the reader that you spend lengthy periods of time trying to figure out something that can't be figured out. This occurs repeatedly throughout the essay, when the heart and most important aspect of your essay can be summed up in a few words.
Your student body never did anything until you decided to take action. It's great and I commend you for taking charge!
But taking this into context with all the poetic and abstract stuff, it reminds me a lot of how John Dunn was hired by wealthy aristocrats to write great poems about how great so and so was. Then, he would go all out and come up with these insane comparisons, which essentially made fun of the wealthy. You obviously are not trying to make light of yourself. I would just try and keep things simpler. Because you are sharing you, write like you talk. I commend you for showing ambition and I hope it takes you far in life!!!!!!1
