1. Many students decide to apply to Emory University based on our size, location, reputation, and yes, the weather. Besides these valid reasons as a possible college choice, why is Emory University a particularly good match for you?
Living in Pakistan, I have, undoubtedly, seen the worst: deadly earthquakes, disastrous floods and devastating terrorist attacks. Although it may seem that these hardships might have dented my spirit, they actually nurtured the responsible citizen within me. Every time my country was in peril, a determination rose inside me- a determination to help.
Like me, Emory University is an active member of its community. As I researched, I learned that Emory was rewarded in 2008 with the Presidential Award for General Community Service. After reading that, I cannot express how eager I was to discover more. As I read about "Volunteer Emory", I really began to respect Emory. The TSPL courses showed Emory's dedication to giving opportunities to students to use their knowledge for the betterment of the community. I am looking forward to taking such courses because they allow students to gain knowledge, attain insightful experiences and at the same time learn about the practical way of life. My community service helped me realize my dream -- my dream to make positive changes in the world. And knowing that Emory and I share the common goal of wanting to change the world constructively, I felt that the only school I could truly call my ideal match is Emory.
Please help me edit this!
I didn't add specific community service activities I have initiated and participated in because I felt that it would already be on my application. Since the word limit is 250, adding an account of my community involvement was stretching my response. However, if you feel I should write about my work, I will edit the answer.
Thanks a million in advance :)
My community service helped me realize my dream -- my dream to make positive changes in the world.
Although you have researched much about Emory, I feel as if you should state what your dream is instead of generally say that you want to "make positive changes in the world". It sounds a bit cliche and I think that it will help a lot if you state what specific parts about Emory could help you reach your specific goal.
dont lie on ur application. it doesnt blend.
Thanks Si
Smalllick13, what gives you the impression that Im a lying :S
i agree with Si Eun Son
u can even write like a line such as:
As i assisted the earthquake victims blah blah blah i realized that i wanted to continue blah blah
even with one strikingly inspiring line can improve your essay
So far you are off to a good start and have some good recommendations. If you goal at Emory is covered elsewhere I would think it must be covered here.
If you can find some examples of successful essays it would help you understand what they like to see in one.
If I were making selections I am more interested in seeing what you want to do with the program, project, job or university than why you fit in them. How do you think the program will hep meet your goals.
Personally I would use a more active voice. this may not be the way they want it. Find out if you can. I would write it as why I want to attend Emory not as a term paper. I have changed some of it into the kind of thing I like to see in an essay or letter as to why someone would want to apply to Emory. Tried to use the ideas you used and put it in a positive fist person form to give you and idea of what I mean.
My grammar is not very good and my word usage is dated and probably not what people in your area of interest use. I intended to write this as example and not something that can used in an essay. You have 250 words, using almost all of them its part of the test to see how well you can express yourself in limited space. Active voice uses less space the passive voice. Don't be tempted fill it with adjectives that don't add to the meaning. What I wrote is too long for what it says. It is an example of what I like to see.
Living in Pakistan I see some of the worst life has to offer:
...
Like all of us my life experience molds who I am. Today living in Pakistan offers me a plethora experiences both good and bad. The dark parts put some dents in my spirit [but/yet/and], so far every adversity that comes my way makes me a better citizen wanting to contribute more. Every time my neighbor, country man, my country or I am in peril I am more [determined/driven/encouraged/inspired] to [{find ways}/{bring change}{...}] to make all our lives better helping myself, my neighbor, my country and the world to be a better place. The beauty of my country and its generous people reinforce my determination to help them by doing ?????? even more.
When researching universities I found Emory to be an active member of its community. As I looked deeper into Emory's Volunteer Emory Program finding it received the 2008 the Presidential Award for General Community Service I became more convinced Emory is the best place for me to continue my studies in ???????????????? and work in community service. [If not covered elsewhere include your goal as well.}
Good Luck
Gordon
Wow Gordon, Thank you SO much for helping me out. Really, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you taking out your time to help me. Thanks :) :) :)
ya Gordan really helped you out and there's not much else to say. like he said, use active voice and watch out when you're switching from the past tense to the present tense. try to stay consistent when using either past or present tense verbs throughout a sentence
"After reading that, I cannot express how eager I was to discover more. As I read about "Volunteer Emory", I really began to respect Emory."
either do "after having read that..." or "after reading that, I cannot express how eager I am to"...
but of course I'm just a high school student like you and i might be wrong so use what works for you
