This is the Commonapp essay for elaborating on an extracurricular activity you've done. Please give me some criticism!! Thanks for any help :)
In the Spring of 2011, my mom told me she had signed me up for the local community garden. We planned to donate all of our yields to the soup kitchen. On the first day, there were seven people at the garden plot who had all "willingly" volunteered to help out. I had a miserable time slaving over vegetables and dirt for three hours that day. However, as the garden grew, the effort of the other five volunteers slowly diminished into nothingness and so, I was forced to take on a greater responsibility. In July, I received my driver's license just as our garden came to fruition. The task of delivering the vegetables to the soup kitchen was bestowed singularly on me. With a full basket of vegetables in the passenger seat, I would roll down the windows and drive to the soup kitchen every weekend. The experience was both liberating and rewarding. It was the small things. A nod of approval from a homeless man. A smile from a woman waiting in line. The community garden became an outlet of independence and I am glad my mom signed me up.
I feel like you talk too much about what you did but not really about what you obtained from this experience.
I know the word limits are pain in the ass but I suggest that you cut down a bit about what you did and talk more about how it was both "liberating and rewarding," and
how will you utilize this experience in the future.
I think its great! The only things that I would change is using the words "forced" and "miserable" and use less harsh words that can still convey the same meaning. Mind taking a look at my common app essay?
Its great, change the forced to something like i called upon my self to take charge/responsibility something with a more positive connotation.
Could you take a look at my essay for rice university?
I agree with stars93 - I think it'd be leagues better if you either deleted or cut down on this bit:
On the first day, there were seven people at the garden plot who had all "willingly" volunteered to help out. I had a miserable time slaving over vegetables and dirt for three hours that day. However, as the garden grew, the effort of the other five volunteers slowly diminished into nothingness and so, I was forced to take on a greater responsibility.
To be honest, it makes you seem like a bit of a whiner, and the fact that you said you were 'forced' to take on a greater responsibility does not come off well. & If you reduced that part, you'd have plenty of room to talk about what you gained from it!
That said, the last few lines are very good - you sound genuinely happy with the experience.
I'd love it if you took a look at my CommonApp essay :)
I agree with the first poster. Maybe you could discuss how you've changed due to this experience with another sentence? Otherwise this is great! Please check my short answer as welll, it would be greatly appreciated :]
