Local Congressional Appointment Essay: "Why I want to attend a military academy?"

This is my essay written to my Local Congressman seeking an Appointment to the Air Force Academy. There are some things I would like to change with this essay but I'm not quite sure how. I need another pair of eyes and a different perspective to help me edit this essay. I appreciate any help and guidance you can offer me. Many thanks! :)

Prompt: A PERSONAL ESSAY on why you wish to attend a service academy and what type of career you would like to pursue in the military. Please keep this typed statement brief and limited to one page.

Essay:

I personally wish to attend a service academy, specifically the Air Force Academy, because I have always been interested in serving my country. I am proud to be an American and never hesitate to take every opportunity to serve my country. This is why I am very keen on attending a service academy, specifically the Air Force Academy. It's a great satisfaction for me if I can pay back to my country through my service for all the opportunities and benefits it has given to me together with the great joy of freedom. I desire to become the first person in my family to take up arms and protect my country. My grandfather came close to this reality but was unable to proceed because of an injury. I wish to follow through on our shared dream knowing that he would be proud.

Joining the armed forces is not an easy task; it takes someone that has a character rooted in leadership and morality. I believe I possess those qualities and the Air Force will be able to further develop those characteristics. Attending a military academy is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I am ready for the challenges it will throw at me. This unique experience that the Air Force Academy offers will shape me for the rest of my life.

I aspire to become a pilot and/or engineer in the Air Force. There is a certain aspect of being able to fly at high speeds in a plane that intrigues me. I believe that experience will be one of a kind which makes this opportunity much more special. Not everyone will be able to experience what a fighter pilot does. If becoming a fighter pilot turns out to not be right for me, I hope to become an engineer. Engineering attracts me because of the complexity of problems that must be solved. It is truly rewarding to be able to achieve a goal after much hard work. Engineers apply scientific knowledge and mathematics to solve problems and I believe I would fit right in because these are my two favorite subjects. Both of these careers will be able truly illustrate my talents, abilities, and intelligence.

"it takes someone that has a character rooted in leadership and morality. I believe I possess those qualities"

Many writers make the mistake of saying how great they are, and how they fit perfectly. I recommend instead of saying how great you are, you SHOW it. Describe and experience or situation that showed those characteristics in you instead of just telling.

Good point. I'll make sure to edit that part and I'll respond back with the revision to see what you think. Cheers!