Prompt: What are the unique qualities of Emory University, and the specific school(s) to which you are applying (Emory College of Arts and Sciences, Oxford College, or both), that make you want to become part of Emory University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?
"You talk so weird...do they even wear clothes in your country...oh oh, I heard you people have lions as pet...is this true?" my classmates constantly ask. Yeah, true I'm the only African in my school and it's been terrible not having anyone that I look like. Similar to my classmates, the society reprimanded my desire to join activities by saying-"you are a foreigner." Bored of the status quo, I added diversity to my college criteria list. The newly added criteria changed my former list of dream schools.
In quest for a new dream school, I stumbled upon Emory University. I look forward to studying in an environment which continually embraces diversity, with over 35 clubs related to diversity and programs such as Unity Month, which seems like an awesome, elongated Diversity Day. Also, Emory, with its commitment to local produce and green buildings, shares my passion for the environment. Emory's and Oxford's campus' grab me and make me pause in awe. They have the city life that I crave and the quieter area, best of both worlds.
Not only does Emory University fulfill my passion for diversity but also satisfy my other criteria. Since Emory/Oxford exceeds in the science department, as an aspiring medical doctor, Emory fits the picture precisely. I picture myself occupying the research areas Emory has to offer. With Emory's student to teacher ratio, I'm bound to learn from intellectual and skilled teachers who are very interested in their students. With all the different courses and activities offered at Emory, I would never be bored. From joining ChemOx to attending sports event to joining the diversity council to being a part of many leadership activities, I would be taking maximum advantage of the clubs that are not present anywhere else. At Emory/Oxford, not only will I be pushed to think, I will be encouraged to have fun with the college process.
At Emory and Oxford, I can happily broaden my horizons and grow intellectually without been labeled a foreigner. With an education from Emory/ Oxford, I see myself changing the condition of my country.
Thanks in advance. Will definately return the favor
I love your introduction, nice hook, definitely drew me in.
In second paragraph, first sentence, do you mean"In a quest for a new dream school?
Also in the second paragraph, try to use another word for awesome.
Please read my essays and review them please?
Oh, one more thing, can you add to the last sentence? How can you see yourself change the condition of the country?
BTW, can you review my other essay as well?
Thank you, I will probably just remove that sentence all together, since I'm already above word limit.
Thank again...checked you essay- both
Alright, thank you very much! Good luck!
There are some other errors, but I'm having a hard time fixing them without returning to my grammar book. Either way, you don't really say much about yourself here, in addition to that, you could pretty much replace Emory/Oxford with another school and this wouldn't be all that unique.
thanks for looking at it. What do you think I can do to fix the problem. I only a few hrs to deadline. What should I change or add.