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'the Logistics department coordinator' -Short Answer for Common Application


alexhirsu 2 / 6 1  
Nov 27, 2012   #1
Hi everyone,
It's my first post here and I want to ask you what is your opinion about my short answer needed for completinf the Common Application process. :D

Hope you'll enjoy. Your feedback means a lot.

The project called "Ecobaza-educatie pentru dezvoltare durabila" is a project that lasted from the 1st of July 2011 to the 1st of July 2012 and whose aim was building a special environment in the Monument park where youth could spend their free time and teachers could hold Science classes in the open air. As it was the first project of its kind in the country I with other 8 members initiated the project and managed to get 4000 euros through the Youth in Action Programme. Moreover, I, the coordinator on the Logistics department, managed the resources, created fund-raising events and made sure that the project went smoothly. To this end, I, with the help of my teammates raised funds by door-to-door action, by organizing two events on Valentine's Day in three high schools, where people sent and received love massages for a fee. Last but not least, I went to various sponsors and convinced them to support our cause. Moreover, I organized the Earth Hour that brought both awareness and funds.
Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Nov 27, 2012   #2
This sentence is too long, I can split into 2 simpler sentences.
The project called "Ecobaza-educatie pentru dezvoltare durabila" is a project that lasted from the1st of July 1, 2011 to the 1st of July 1, 2012 was created for the Monument park.and whose aimThe project's goal was to build a special environment in the Monument park where youth could spend their free time and teachers could hold Science classes in the open air.

AsIt was the first project of its kind in the country.IAlong with other 8 other members, I initiated the project and managed to gather 4000 euros through the Youth in Action Programme.

MoreoverAdditionally, Ithecoordinatedon the Logistics department, managed the resources, created fund-raising events and made sure that the project went smoothly.
simibug13 3 / 6  
Nov 27, 2012   #3
I'm not sure what the prompt it but I like your response. The first sentence is a run on so maybe you could separate it.

here are some thing I would change:
Moreover, as the coordinator on the Logistics department,

To this end, with the help of

As it was the first project of its kind in the country, I, with other 8 members, initiated the project and managed to get 4000 euros through the Youth in Action Programme.

Good luck!
fwan17 3 / 11 1  
Nov 27, 2012   #4
The project called "Ecobaza-educatie pentru dezvoltare durabila" is a project that lasted from the 1st of July 2011 to the 1st of July 2012 and, whose aim was building a special environment in the Monument park, where youth could spend their free time and teachers could hold Science classes in the open air. AsIt was the first project of its kind in the country. Along with 8 other members, I with other 8 members initiated the project and managed to get 4000 euros through the Youth in Action Programme. Moreover, I, the coordinator onAs the coordinator of the Logistics department, I managed the resources, created fund-raising events and made sure that the project went smoothly. To this end, I, with the help of my teammates raised funds bythrough door-to-door action, by organizing two events on Valentine's Day in three high schools, where people sent and received love massages for a fee. Last but not least,Moreover, I went to various sponsors and convinced them to support our cause. MoreoverLast but not least , I organized the Earth Hour that brought both awareness and funds.

That should be it in terms of grammar (you may want to cross-check though). I'm assuming that's the 1000 character essay on one of your extracurricular activities, in which case I think the content is good. It shows both initiative and involvement.
OP alexhirsu 2 / 6 1  
Nov 27, 2012   #5
Thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate your opinions.
Do you think that I should emphasize the impact that the project had on me or is it all right?


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