This is something I wrote very quickly. I know that others have written beautiful prose and creative works of literary art for this prompt, but I went for the more straightforward, list approach with intermittent displays (hopefully) of my personality to not make it totally boring and dry :P
It is just over 2000 characters, and I'm wondering if I should make more sue of the almost500 character I have left, or if I should just leave it as is and keep it concise.
I would very much appreciate any help! I would love to look at anyone else's essays as well.
Thanks!
Here it is:
Prompt: Please tell us how you have spent the last two summers (or vacations between school years), including any jobs you have held, if not already detailed on the Common Application. (max 2500 char)
The summer of my junior year was mostly spent on long hours of practicing for the concerto competition I would be participating in the fall, as well as preparing for my youth symphony audition. When I was not holed up in my room massaging tired arms or about to throw my metronome against the wall, I was teaching piano and violin to my precious students, which I always looked forward to as a break from my own musical endeavors. My students quickly became the source of my envy, as some would inform me that they would be taking a break from lessons for a few weeks to take a family trip to some exciting new place. A week at a church retreat, Students for Christ, broke up the simple yet exhausting schedule I had set up for myself, providing an opportunity for me to refocus and re-center my life from the day to day, one foot in front of the other kind of existence I had made of my summer thus far. This week-long experience was a haven in the middle of my frantic calendar checking and countdown of the days remaining until my big competition and was definitely the highlight of my summer.
The summer of '10 was another story. While the first half of my summer was quite similar to the year before, it was in the middle of July that I had the best musical experience of my life. I had made the decision earlier in the year to participate in the Evergreen Music Festival, a music camp that my youth symphony organized every summer. The intense rehearsal schedule, sweltering heat, incredible masterclasses and, most importantly, the amazing music, made for a week of many memories and many friendships. After EMF, I went to my annual church retreat once more, where I slowed my life down once more for Christ. In the end, I came home after two weeks of living in a dormitory with an almost pathological desire for rice and a renewed love for my own bed. During the rest of my summer, I played a few gigs in a string quartet, ate crème brulée for the first time, and went to the beach with my mom and three siblings, making daisy chains for my sister and teaching my brother how to skip rocks.
... or about to throw my metronome againstthe wall, I was teaching piano and violin to my precious students, which I always looked forward ...
My students quickly became the source of my ...
... was quite similar to the year before in that I was still practicing and teaching , it was in the middle of July that I had the best musical experience of my life. I had made the decision earlier on in the year to participate ...
The intense rehearsal schedule, coaches, masterclasses, and most importantly, the amazing music, made for ...
... and came home after two weeks of living in a dormitory with an almost pathological ...
... I played for a few gigs in a string quartet...
Overall a nice essay, there are however a lot of long sentences so you may want to see if you can reduce the amount of commas by breaking up some sentences.
Thank you very much! I know that my essay is very bare bones and factual, but is it very dry? And I will try to make the sentences a little simpler...me and concise have problems.
Also, I see that you applied to SNU! I, too, am planning on applying there for Fall 2011!
Ah really! Awesome! I'm only doing the language program there for a year, I'm actually admitted to Hanyang for Engineering. However, I plan to do some online high school courses while I'm in Korea and attempt to gain admission to the pre-medical program at SNU for Spring 2012 before I start Engineering.
It wasn't dry, but it might help to include a little more about what those experiences meant to you, it's obvious that music is a big part of your life but you may want to expand a bit!
Here's the revised essay.
The intense rehearsal schedule, sweltering heat, incredible masterclasses and, most importantly, the amazing music, made for a week of many memories and many friendships
I'm looking for a more powerful way to describe just how much I got from the experience and how it affected me. I already used "best experience of my life" and that doesn't really cut it...I tried to use "...all culminated in a full house concert and a standing ovation - I'll never forget it for as long as I live." but it sounds corny and doesn't meet my standard haha.
Also, your suggestion of trying to expand on how it affected me...should I try talking about my concerto competition more or my music camp? I feel like I'm walking a fine line between explaining and over explaining my musical interest in my entire application haha
awww can't believe you wrote this in short period of time.
I am also applying to Princeton, but still not finished with this part.
Yours seemed very vivid and well described. Though, I feel like it is a bit narrative.
Last part of you visiting the beach - can you describe it more or just skip it?
(like the first part you talked about how you felt and were influenced about the activity.)
