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'Look mommy - a scorpion!' - UC Application Essay (my world I came from)


LifeHacker 1 / -  
Nov 30, 2014   #1
Hi, I need to send my essay today and would appreciate if you could edit it for me...thanks :)
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

'Look mommy - a scorpion!' , I told my mom, pointing to the venomous beauty on the wall in the frontyard of my grandparents' house. The occasion was my cousin's thread ceremony(Indian auspicious ceremony for boys) and everyone else was having lunch in the front yard. It didn't occur to me at the time, but I had actually alerted my mother of a venomous arachnid and so prevented somebody from getting bitten by it. It was because another family member had passed away by a scorpion bite, that everyone was happy with me. That was when I received praises from all my family members - 'Good job, Sayali!', 'That was fast thinking!', 'What a problem solver!'. And that is when I started thinking about it. Being a problem solver just sounded like so much fun. But I wasn't sure I could actually reply 'Problem solver' when somebody asked me what I wanted to become when I grow up.

It is a common stereotype that children born and brought up in Indian families must pursue either of two careers- Engineering or Medicine - to be considered brilliant. I, however, was fortunate enough to have parents who taught me to follow my dreams. My nuclear family, consisting of my father, mother, and sister, was the first among our relatives to settle out of our home country, India. Living as a Non Resident Indian in Dubai, I was brought up without much interaction with my cousins, who stayed thousands of miles away. The best part of every year till date has always been my summer vacations, when we would go visit them in India. But my parents have always made my world more fun to live in - going out on family trips, family picnics, joining associations and so on. And with each new trip, I have learnt many new values of life and the importance of being content with what I have. When I looked at the difficulties in which the children have to study I really feel pity for them. At the same time, thinking about how fortunate I was to have all the facilities, has also given me a renewed energy to work harder and achieve more things in my school career.

I have had the opportunity of staying in the UAE for the past 15 years, where nearly 140 different nationalities live and work happily together. This has broadened my mind towards acceptance of all different religions and multi-ethnic backgrounds of various countries.

I have always had a liking for puzzles, quizzes and challenges. My father has always tried to fuel my curiosity by asking me questions about almost everything, and making me eager to know the answers. Being an electrical engineer, he always tells me about how things work. He once took me to the control room of one of his projects, and I was surprised to see the many computers, large display screens and control stations. Besides the eagerness to press all those buttons, I was interested in knowing how it all worked. And that is how I developed a liking for computer science. My high school computer project was to write a program for bookshop management. I was appointed as the leader of my group, and was at first really scared about how I would go about it. But when I finally wrote down the 300 lines of code and the program actually worked, I was the happiest person in the world. Writing down the program taught me to keep trying until I succeed. And now, Computer engineering has become my passion. It is where I can learn to analyze problems, find an appropriate solution, master the problem solving skills, and think out of the box, something I love doing.

At the University of California, which is one of the best universities in the U.S., I hope to study and major in Computer Engineering, so that I can explore my interest in Computers and their fascinating applications, and one day pursue a career as a computer engineer. I believe, then, I would proudly be able to reply 'A Problem solver in the field of computers', to anyone who asks me what I am.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Dec 1, 2014   #2
This first paragraph does not help establish anything about the world that you come from and the influences that were present. That discussion does not start for you until after this paragraph. The paragraph that came after this really contained the hook and story progression about the world you come from so you should just delete the first paragraph and jump directly to the second as your opening statement.

- Only respond to the essay prompt. Do you provide any information that is not relevant to the prompt nor being asked for in the essay. This particular paragraph is not relevant and therefore should not be in this essay. This is a response paragraph meant for a different essay prompt such as what you hope to achieve at the University of California. It does not belong in a "Describe the world you come from" essay.


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