'Los Angeles culture' - UC prompt#1; My parents are both from Egypt

Within our dreams and aspirations we find our opportunities. Walking in the hot sun, the pyramid just a couple feet away from me, the rocks and sand beneath my feet, I know that this place isn't just a place where my family and I come to visit for vacation. My parents are both from Egypt. Migrating to Los Angeles, they had to adapt to the new cultural lifestyle. Growing up in Los Angeles, I represent my culture proudly. I love talking to my parents and family in Arabic and learning about my own culture. All of my elementary school, middle school and high school years when people ask me what my ethnicity is I'm proud to say "I'm Egyptian." I enjoy teaching people about my culture and how we celebrate things differently than other races. I come from a very conservative family and my parents are very hard on me and my brother. It benefits us because it keeps us motivated. Summer of 2005, my mom, brother and I went to Egypt. Getting on the plane hearing everybody speaking the same language as we do really felt amazing. After the long hours on the plane we finally arrive. The smell of the air, the people, the buildings were just so different. The guys were respectful to women. Women covered themselves even when it was hot. On Sundays, almost everybody in the neighborhood attended church. The lifestyle is so different compared to our hometown but I noticed that my parents raised us like if we were born in Egypt. They taught us manners, taught us to be respectful, taught us about religion and they made sure we attended church as much as we can. The best thing about being Egyptian is having a very large family. I love being the oldest of my cousins because they can look up to me and I can be their role models and teach them things as they grow older. I cherish my family and where I am from.

Cross out the "ours" in the first sentence. Concentrate a little more onto ourself. Use some figurative language to convey the same basic idea, as this way your essay will stand out and the flow in the essay will be established. Well, I just want to say that you got all your information right there, the only thing left to do is connect them and bring out the central theme of your essay.

Good Job :)

thank youuuuu, <33333 (:

@dumi thank you so much. thats very helpful. any suggestions on how i could approach arranging them in a logical sequence?

Well ... pick a few of your personality traits that you think may impress the admission committee and present them throuth your family/ culture or experiences :D

From this I picked a few :

you are disciplined ; your parents are strickt and no nosense :D
you are caring and try to be a role model to the younger siblings : you grew up in a large family which appreciated joint family concept

you are hardworking and resilient - family hardships that you experienced

Put them one by one in order... Have separate paras for each and present them creatively :)

@dumi k thanks i appreciate it (: