I really need your help to review my essay. My Counselor said that i need to stop and back up cause it doesnt answer the question. is that true? Ur help means a lot to me. here's my essay:
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I can say i was a lucky 12-year-old kid. Having a mother who always nodded her head every time i asked for something was such a blessing. This led me to be a kid who always sought for perfection, everything should be in my order. Too bad, my perfectionist trait tended to be selfishness because when i tried to make something as perfect as it could be, I didn't really care about others. Furthermore, I was pretty ambitious in reaching what i wanted. My Mother was the victim. I never cared about how tired she was after working and driving all alone 40 kilometers almost everyday. Since my parents divorced, she had to work to support herself. But a frightening scene happened to my mom had changed my life.
It all began one Sunday night in August 2006. I was still awake, enjoying a TV show while my mother read the Holy Quran not far from me. Everything was fine, until her voice calling my name loudly broke the silence. I had never seen her so weak before, like she could not breathe normally. her face turned pale and she could not even stand as usual. All of a sudden, i was in a hospital room. I stood still next to my mom, who was lying down on bed that was not hers, with an IV on her left hand. The smell of the hospital room made the condition even worse. All I remember hearing that night was that a blood vessel in my mother's brain had almost burst, and it had been caused by hypertension she had been suffering. It had almost led her to death.
A frightening image suddenly came up in my sixth-grade mind. The fear of losing one of the most important role model in my life kept rushing into my head. I kept on blaming myself for the childish behavior I had been subjecting to her. All I could do was pray, and fortunately God answered my prayers. I still have my mother today, a lot better than she was. Watching my mother struggling for her medication felt like a punishment for every mistake I had made.
It was simultaneously terrifying yet inspiring how this tragedy that happened to my mother impacted me. I can now say that maturity cannot be measured by an advance in years. I was only 12 years old, at the edge of my childhood, but i had made a decision to myself that I needed to change. The selfish me had been buried deep down the soil. All I see in the mirror is a reflection of a man who dedicates his life to his mother, and to others in life. I don't want to wait fro another wake-up call to be a better man. I don't want to let others feel the same way i felt.
I changed myself after what had happened to my mother. But there's something left in me that did not change too much. I am still a perfectionist, but in a different way. Every single thing i do needs to be as perfect as it can be, but now I don't want to let others sacrifice themselves just to make what i want to be perfect. I am still an ambitious person. I never give up easily to get what i want.
There is always a moment in life which causes us to become better than before. Now, as I recall that time of regret, a time when my mom needed to struggle for her own good, I realized that my selfishness faded away. But the old me has not completely changed. Those ambitions I pursue, that perfection i seek, are still safe in my heart, just to keep me on track for a future i strive for.
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Also, my counselor said that this is too dramatic. One other trouble is, this essay consists of 600 words while i need to write it only for 500 word max.
Thanks in advance
First, it's really a good essay.
Then here is my suggestion, I feel the connection between your experience and why you change is a little week, maybe more experiences told in the passage will explain more why you become more mature. Also, about the other trouble, I feel you could delete something that is not very important, like how you pray.
