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'Losing my voice and myself in the sea' - USC #2

pchoi52 1 / 1  
Nov 22, 2011   #1
Grammar and answering the prompt are my two main concerns. Here's the prompt!

Describe your academic interests and how you plan to pursue them at USC. Please feel free to address your first- and second-choice major selections.

Losing my voice and myself in the sea of red and gold at The Coliseum isn't enough USC for me. My passion for the football program as a child, had sparked my interest in the university as I grew older and more mature. As I perused further about the different opportunities that USC offers, I discovered more and more about myself and my academic interests.

I aspire to contribute to the LA skyline, as well as service the less fortunate. Ultimately, I want to devote my life to programs similar to Habitat for Humanity; intertwining my interest in engineering with my passion for giving back to the community. USC will allow me to build a strong foundation on which I will be able to reach my goals and extend to the less fortunate. My fire to attend the university lies in its ability to not just give its students a solid education, but Viterbi's involvement in outreach programs like Engineers Without Borders and Habitat for Humanity further lets me become involved in the community as I study and grow. USC offers me the potential to become what I aspire to be and fulfill my goals, and being a Trojan would be the first steps towards these goals of mine.

My major is undeclared, but I think I will lean towards Engineering once my college career begins.

Please be harsh. hahaha! The more I get critqued, the better my essay will be and hopefully, a better writer!

In advance, thank you!

Philip Choi

emicha25 3 / 5  
Nov 22, 2011   #2
The prompt specifically asks you to describe your academic interests so i think you should put more emphasis on what they actually are. Other than that i think its well written. Just focus on what the prompt is asking.
frankfink 2 / 2  
Nov 24, 2011   #3
This is great writing, but I would say that the biggest thing you need to work on is a more "concrete" idea of what your interests are. You have given the reader your passion for football, engineering, and charity work. But why? I will say that you did a great job getting the reader hooked! Just remember to be concrete in these essays, you want colleges like USC to get as much information about you and your character/personality in a small piece of writing.
emekaobi 2 / 3  
Nov 24, 2011   #4
i like what your writing like what the others fix your idea of what interests u.
OP pchoi52 1 / 1  
Nov 28, 2011   #5
Sounds great! Thank you guys for helping me out. I've been wondering if the essay prompt had a deeper meaning or not, and you guys cleared it up for me!

I took the advice on the concrete evidence and advice on writing about more of who I am; the suggestions were great!

I did revise my essay and I did submit my application last night, so again, I just want to thank you guys for replying.

Wouldve taken me forever to revise by myself. hahaha
JBigelow 1 / 4  
Nov 28, 2011   #6
Great writing style! I think you need to straight out say somewhere in it though, the word, "architecture," because I wasn't wuite sure if that was what your dreams/aspirations are. Is it?? It's kind of omitted.

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