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I lost 2 boys.... common app essay


yadda514 4 / 16  
Nov 27, 2010   #1
Q: Evaluate a significant experience you have faced and its impact on you.

Any feedback would be helpful! also If you can find a way to help me cut it down that would be great!

2 boys lost

In the summer of 2010, I had the most significant experience of my life. I successfully planned and carried out a curriculum for a group of twenty-one Italian high school students at Madison English as a Second Language School (MESLS). My ethnicity, and the culturally diverse environment that I was raised gave me multicultural fluency that when combined with my strong education and talents in mathematics and communication made it possible for me to accomplish this challenge. This experience was the affirmation - the culminating point where I identified myself as a multicultural leader. I would be an excellent addition to the increasing multinational academic and professional environment because of the leadership and technical skills that this experience demonstrates.

I am mixed. My mother is Thai and my father is Japanese-American. Having three countries from all over the world mixed within me I was always shy to tell my story. Whereas other students could proudly say their ancestors belonged to a certain heritage. I didn't always know what to say, so I opted to say nothing. Being mixed with these three nations, I can look like almost any nationality. When I was younger I was always unable to find a "group", hopping from "lunch table" to "lunch table". I first sat with the Latinos, as my European nose and dark hair made me look Latina. Then after switched to the Asian table and then to the Caucasian table. Everyday I would want to sit with all my friends, however the make up of school cliques made it undesirable. It all boiled down to one question, which "table" do I belong to? At first, I couldn't pick one table without hurting the others. I realized that I was the one person who could join them all together, and I did so. I was able to sit with all my friends. I found that while being mixed made it hard for me to fit in by default, I am lucky enough to fit in everywhere because I can identify with everyone. When I was able to eat lunch with everyone, I realized I had something not many people had, an ability to be multicultural. People may see being mixed as crutch; at times you aren't fully accepted, but I see it as an opportunity to bring people together.

I started to see myself as a multicultural person at my mother's workplace, Madison ESL school. My mom started working at the school when I was three, and since then my best friends were international ESL students. I heard the world through their language and saw the world through their cultures and stories. I would watch the students become frustrated with each other and revert back to their first language, unable to push their English skills any further. Their unwillingness to communicate with each other stood in the way of them from reaching their common goal of getting and 'A+' in English communication. By watching the students struggle to communicate with each other, I learned how important communication is. I became a translator for almost every language, translating their movements and expressions into sentences. It was here where I started to approach the world as an international individual. I was so used to being in a diverse environment, students were able to congregate around me and understand one another. I became their bridge. Growing up in such a diverse environment has given me a strong skill in communication across cultures with my presence.

I took the lessons learned at Madison ESL School with me, and achieved strong academic performance in my high school career. Teaching free English classes to international students improved my communication skills, which were further honed in my high school public speaking class. I learned how to convey emotions into my speeches, which I used often with my teammates in lacrosse as the JV Captain Team. In addition to my strong ability to communicate, I have strong skills in mathematics. I went on to the AMC10. I am currently dedicated to mastering the concepts of calculus and voluntarily attend all calculus classes possible. I also am learning about the concepts of probability and computations in statistics.

Special meaning came during the summer of 2010. I was in charge of planning the curriculum for a group of twenty-one Italian high school students at Madison ESL School. A new task concerning others my age made me hesitate, however I decided that our common age could become an asset rather than a burden. It wasn't until I started that so much was at stake. I learned that in addition to connecting with students my age, I also needed to earn their respect to be a successful group leader.

I planned a trip to show the students what an American high school was like. After that, we went to a public park next to a beautiful lake to discuss. Everything was going well as I had planned. Getting ready to head back to school for class, I took a quick trip to the rest room, and when I got back for a head count, I noticed that something was wrong. Then I saw it - two Italian boys stuck sitting in a sailboat in the middle of the lake on a windless day. At first I didn't understand why the other students were so casual about this. They didn't seem think it was a "big deal" because of the more independent culture they have. It would have been a cultural misunderstanding to stand at the side of the lake yelling causing everyone to be late, instead of respecting the independent choices of my Italian peers. I brought the other nineteen students back to the school, and told the two boys that I would come back for them. I realized that being a leader doesn't always mean having total control over a situation, but making the right call so that everyone wins, even when your plans go afloat. At the end of the day, I felt like a true multicultural leader because I was able to communicate, and adapt a plan through cultural understanding.

Leading a group of Italian students challenged me in unexpected ways. I learned how to plan, how to problem-solve, and how to sell my ideas. I learned how to give authority and not be disliked. This experience proved to me that I am able to overcome any obstacle and achieve success, as a true leader. I see that these qualities had been building for my entire life, and I owe my success to my unique heritage and background. I am eager to use my skills to solve problems, organize events, and bring coherency to the increasingly diverse academic environment by bringing students with many different backgrounds together. I hope that I can have the opportunity to use my academic and leadership skills to achieve success at your school.
riny 13 / 26  
Nov 27, 2010   #2
Hi yada-san
I was impressed your essay, It was easy to understand, fluent and I could not find any grammatical mistakes (It might be because my skills is not enough...?)

I just thought the following sentences jumped the track a little bit..

In addition to my strong ability to communicate, I have strong skills in mathematics. I went on to the AMC10. I am currently dedicated to mastering the concepts of calculus and voluntarily attend all calculus classes possible. I also am learning about the concepts of probability and computations in statistics.

because the story about 2 boys went missing exemplifies the communication skills which you learned isn't it?

It's just a small thing though, I hope my comment assist your essay.
As i am japanese, I am very proud of you that you have great multicultural back ground!!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 11, 2010   #3
My ethnicity, and the culturally diverse environment that in which I was I was raised gave me...

Here is how I suggest writing this sentence:
Having three countries from all over the world mixed within me, I was always shy and reluctant to tell my story.

I think this essay is very effective because of the way it gives clear, specific details and explains the way you were thinking.

Here is a place where you can be clearer:
I learned how to give use authority without being disliked.

Right at the end here, you can get rid of the word "that"
I hope that I can have the opportunity to...


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