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"I've lost 8 of my loved ones" - Stanford essays: what matters and why? Letter to Roommate.

manpreet12 1 / 1  
Dec 25, 2015   #1
What matters and why?
Life,in my words, is an opportunity to explore and learn great things. Happiness means the most to me. Over the past year, I have learned to find happiness in little things. I used to dream of having a million dollars and mansions because I thought they were going to make me happy. I've learned that helping others makes me a lot happier than all the other materialistic things.

I've lost 8 of my loved ones in 2015. All of these deaths were unexpected and left to emotionally damaged. This phase of my life has taught me so much. I had a hard time dealing with these deaths but I came back stronger than ever. I learned that life is very short and I should take every chance to be happy. I tried many different things in quest to find happiness but I was never happy. I soon had the opportunity to help others in need. I remember coming home that night and feeling different. A feeling that is very hard to describe but it felt like happiness. I realized that helping others was something that made me feel good about myself. I try to help everyone around me whether it's making someone laugh or feeding the hungry. It's really satisfying to know that I have made a difference in someone's life. I have found happiness after being depressed for a really long time and I will continue to help others as it fills my heart and love and joy. Words: 250/250

Letter to roommate:
I am Manpreet Kaur, my name derived from Punjabi language meaning "the one who believes in herself." I am fully Indian and moved to US at the age of 12 because it's hard for women to attain education in India.I am a first generation student, my dad graduated from school but my mom never went to school. I've seen the tears in my mother's eyes when she was denied employment because she doesn't speak English. I promised myself that I am going to do something big and make my parents proud. I speak Punjabi, Hindi, English and Spanish. I am a faithful member of the Sikh community. Life hasn't always been the best for me. I live in a tiny little apartment and I've never had my own room. My parents struggle everyday as they don't speak English. I am responsible for all household chores that require English. I attained my first job as soon as I turned 16 and have been saving pennies to afford college. I plan on living in US because this country has fulfilled my dream of going to school. Life is what you make out of it and I believe that my life will get better day by day and I guess that's where my name plays the role of believing in myself. I'm applying to Stanford because not only I want a better future for myself but I also want to inspire others like me to do the impossible. See you hopefully. Words: 250/250
amounenaitlho 7 / 12 3  
Dec 25, 2015   #2
Both are really good essay but could be alittle tweaked. First of all I think that you dont fully and specifically answer the question that was asked. You did answer it indirectly but it needs to be clearer. In your conclusion try to phrase a sentence that starts with What matters to me most is ....

Other than that I would like to know more about how the loss of your family member affected. HOw did you specifically feel and provide details. TRy to shorten the intro to make that part fit as it is very important for the development of the essay.

For the letter to the roomate, I found that one very good and descriptive. I thought it was very good except for a small mistake which is

because it's hard for women to attain an education in India.

Other than that it was a very good very descriptive paragraph. I felt that I got to learn more about you a lot.

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