So yeah! I would enjoy some help if possible. : >
Right now the essay sounds stiff and cheesy to me, and too stretched as well. There was more I wanted to talk about - mainly the fact that Swarthmore gives no loans, only student aid - but there wasn't space. (There probably isn't space for some of the stuff still in there! : < ) I'd like some opinions on what needs to go, what needs fixing, and a general direction of editing, please.
The prompt is 'Please write a brief statement telling us why you have decided to apply to Swarthmore in particular.' There is a limit of 2000 characters. The essay is currently 2011 - any easy cuts?
The essay itself follows.
I have a number of reasons for applying to Swarthmore in particular. This is an important decision for any young person, so I've made sure to choose all of the colleges I apply to with care. However, Swarthmore is far and away my favorite school, and the one which I feel is most perfect for me.
Such a strong feeling must come from somewhere, of course. During junior year, I had Swarthmore recommended to me many times by counselors and parents, but then I felt only a small attraction (because I imagined devious piratical puns, yarr!). I largely dismissed it, though, knowing little of it.
Then my family planned a short vacation driving to New York, visiting colleges along the way - Swarthmore was perfectly situated for this happenstance! Before the visit I did a little research, and I no longer knew why I hadn't felt a stronger attraction before then. In particular, the curriculum was diverse, ranging from the linguistics of sign language to quantum chemistry, and the faculty to student ratio was amazing. I have close relationships with several of my high school teachers, and the possibility for something like that was high on my list for college choice.
The visit itself cemented the knee-jerk reaction into a firm conviction to try my best to gain admittance. Besides the wonderful arboretum on campus, the info-sessions and tours gave me further information about the thing I wanted to know more about: the Tri-College Consortium. The Consortium would allow me even more diversity in course choice, and is another point for Swarthmore.
The most important aspect of the visit, however, was when we got lost. We were ready to condemn ourselves to a long while of wandering, but the very next person to pass us was ready to help us. A small kindness, yes, but they are the ones that count.
After the visit, I knew that I would apply to Swarthmore. A school with such community is one that I would be proud to attend, and hopefully I am one student that Swarthmore would be proud to have.
However, Swarthmore is far and away my favorite school,
Reword this
Also, you need to make this more formal.
