I was editing this essay, for UC prompt #2, they deleted the thread Dx
there goes one hr of time. hehe, here's your edit. anyone else comment if you like.
To JoaJacky, if you didn't get your edited 1st prompt, I'm posting again. Sry mods if I'm breaking a rule >_<
NOTE: THIS IS JOAJACKY's ESSAY NOT MINE.
Prompt # 1- Describe the world you come from- for example, your family, community or school- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Born in the state of New York from hardworking Chinese descent of Dominican citizen parents, and a life living in a Caribbean island of Puerto Rico. My father owns a Chinese restaurant in Puerto Rico working up to thirteen hours a day, and my mother works along side with him. Both who came from China of Dominican citizen, was unable to properly understand English. Consequently, I had to grow up dealing with situation on my own. This has motivated me to become strong, and open-minded individual upon entering to study in the U.S. [try restructuring this paragraph. It has most of the necessary topics for your essay, I assume, but try to shorten some. note: I got confused by the whole descent thing at first.]
As a child,There were manyat times when I needed assistance with homework or explanation on school information, butwhich my parents had difficulty withgiving me that help . Despite my parent'sbeing unableinability to help me inwith learning English andor school work, they still wanted me to learn. They provided me with great advice, and encouraged me to treasure my studies and be generous. They worked more than 70 hours a week without rest [sounds like they were awake 70hrs straight. not what you meant yes?] and my father meditated after work every night. The time and interaction spent with my parent made me reliant on them, which made me studying in the U.S., a difficult path. [good paragraph, but maybe cut down on your father's work. If you want to include it, place if before because you jump from: they can't help, they give me assistance, they're busy, it's hard. make it more like: they're busy, they can't help, it's hard, BUT they still give me support ]
When I first studied in the U.S., I w as a nervous student but I knew that I had to grow up and start beingbe more independent. To overcome this obstacle, I began to interact with other students in the school more often. As a result I met new people and gained skills that have and will continue to help me in the future. In addition, I read more English books that are in English to challenge myself. [really need a transition here] To my surprise, I took on more responsibility than I could imaginethought possible . I joined a Chinese yo-yo competition, which is a competition to represent my school. This was a good decision because I was able to gain new talents to teach others who havehad difficulties with it . I began tosoon noticed many opportunities to represent my school and in further growthgrow more as an individual. I also participated in other cultural performances to bring positive attitude [this is a weird statement. do you mean school spirit?] to my school. Also joinedJoining the martial art class that was offered in the school tomy school offered helped me improve physically and mentally. I was fortunate to be offered all these skills and talents to learn from its motivation, communication, teamwork, and generosity. [LOTS of information, try making it organized a bit more. It's okay right now, but try to make it flow more.]
I sometimes considered my parent's inability [haha, nice you used the word here already.] to help me with homework, as a disappointment., [connect the first and second sentence. It has a strong negative connotation] Bb ut I realized that their challenges hadhave made me stronger. As I reflectedon these past experiences, I realize that my parents have shaped [use a different word. looks better] my dream and aspiration. My dream to show my success allowingto otherevery adolescents.I hope to inspire them to overcome their personal problems by inspiring themknowingto realize that they can study in the United States of America withand find many great successes and achievements .
Comments: Good essay overall, I get the idea that you overcame house difficulties and found ways to support your school and community through "yo-yo" ^^. About your dream, I presented it in a similar way- at the end, which I think is okay, but others disagree on.
Need to work on some more transitioning, and look at other comments
note: my comments are in brackets [], edits in red, deletions with strikes
NOTE: THIS IS JOAJACKY's ESSAY NOT MINE.
Prompt # 2- Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Among all of my qualities and talents, the most interesting one to me is my ability to learn a new language very quickly. [Of my many qualities and talents, I find most interesting my ability to learn new languages very quickly.] AboutS even years ago, I was first time transferred to a new comer school in the United States of America . I did not speakspoke n either English or Mandarin when I arrived there.; I spoke only Spanish, and understood some Chinese dialects. My parents were not able to help in learning me with English or Mandarin and so I had to learned what I could at school and on my own during my personal time . Right now,Now I can understand both English and Mandarin fairly well and my parents encourages me to keep practicing and get better.
Because of my talent with languages, I am also very good at drawing because of this talent . [A stretch..show how this is true? maybe" ...I am also very good at drawing because I am able to cross so many cultures. ^^ sounds better] There are [slang] tons of thingcountless pictures that I drew out from my imagination and; as I kept drawing, itI only gets more excitinged . During my sophomore year, I was assigned to decorate a poster for my group project. It took me four hours to finish decorating the poster andbut I loved every minute of it,as I drew thedrawing background, animals, and puttingadded the right colorings toon the entire poster.
[what is the main point of this paragraph? If it's just to state another talent that you have, you may consider taking it out, it detracts from the other part of languages.]
During tT his summer, I went to volunteered for an event in a district ofthe city of San Francisco. The event is located at a district where there are many non-English speakers, but mainlymost people are Spanish speakers. Most of the volunteers are not Spanish speakerscould not speak Spanish , and while a translator card was plannedsupposed to be passed to every volunteers during the event, but it did not happened. While I was volunteering, I came upon speaking to many people in the district in Spanish, explaining about the event and its purpose. I was totally satisfied and made the event go smoothly. [bit vain. haha ^^ but I guess they want something you're "proud" about. maybe try: I was able to assist our volunteer group translate the purpose of the event to the people. I was very satisfied that I could help make the event go smoothly. what's the event btw?] I am very proud to do my part by volunteering and see how it helped many people in the district to understand what iswas going on.
[good example. ideas are there, just need ediitng. THIS IS THE EVENT. talk more about it, focus your essay around it. show what happened, what you did, etc. Briefly mention this in an Intro. Note: you don't have one. mention in the intro, ability to translate, ability to learn languages fast, ability to help others.]
Being able to learn language quickly has made me the local translator around . Whenever my family or friends had problems with English, the first one they called would mainly be me. Most of the time, I helped them translate or gave them details. My parents too, they asked me to helped them anything that requires translation for English. [reduntant. I hope family includes parents yes?] For me, a solution can be as simple as speaking your language, but it seemedis highly difficult to them. Even though it does getWhile it is sometimes bothersome because ofto translate so many requests, but I always feltfeel both joyful and thankfulwhen beingthat I am able to use my qualitytalent to help others, and I am thankful that I have the ability to do so.
Comments: Overall, strong, keep the focus on one accomplishment, one "personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience"
I'm still confused about the drawing paragraph.
Hope you can read over my essay:
Good luck with your app!
