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Love for art + Chinese heritage - UPenn Supplemental Essay.


tensplyr4eva 7 / 13  
Oct 1, 2010   #1
Hello,
I'd really appreciate it if someone could take a look at my supplement for UPenn early decision and tell me what they think, or help me edit. I have to submit everything by next friday in order for my transcripts to arrive on time, so please help soon!


Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?

"Sounds good. I'll meet you at the Button at...two o'clock? Okay, yep." I end the call, grab my Applied Mathematics of Information textbook, and head onto the Quad. The Philadelphia sunlight lifts my mood as I make my way to Van Pelt Library, ready to tackle this week's problem set with a fellow student.

As I walk, I keep an eye out for Dr. Stovall, hoping to talk with her about UPenn's Community Math Teaching Project-a class I had first heard about in the Civic House. The course gives UPenn students the opportunity to teach a series of hands-on activities to math students in University City High School, a perfect fit for someone like me: an avid math-lover who aims to share their passion in ways that can help the community. After observing how we interacted with the high school students, Dr. Stovall asked if I would be her assistant in directing the weekly projects that UPenn students engage in with their UCHS partners. My roommate laughed as she pointed out the fact that I'm now developing the class curriculum for students as old as I was just last year, and I had smiled along with her, grateful for the opportunity that I can only find at UPenn. Within my first year at here, I'm already making a positive difference in a city I love, with a subject that fascinates me, for students whose education I care about.

After a short walk, I arrive at the Button and spot my classmate waiting for me. Heading into Van Pelt, I fill her in on Professor Jean Gallier's GRASP seminar I attended that morning- "Quadratic Optimization Problems Arising in Computer Vision". We soon find ourselves debating the seminar's topic: how to determine the maximum of a quadratic function on the unit sphere. But we digress to other subjects, such as this month's upcoming PUMS problem solving session. As a member of the Penn Undergraduate Mathematics Society, I had invited a few classmates to attend the organization's first problem session last semester. Since then we've made the sessions a monthly ritual, hoping to beat the grad students two sessions in a row. But I don't go just to win the competitions. I go to meet other UPenn students just as fascinated by math as I am, to expand upon my knowledge in math subjects I never thought to venture into before.

Surprisingly, my classmate and I finish the assignment before four. We high-five and I sit back in my chair, only to get right back up at remembering that today's the last showcase of the Arther Ross Gallery's Post-Mao Dreaming exhibition. Knowing that no other museum will give me the same opportunity to catch a glimpse of my Chinese heritage's past while combining my love of art, I hurriedly bid farewell to my academic partner-in-crime. She chuckles as she mentions under her breath that Philadelphia might as well be my second home by now.

"You're right," I smile in return. "And UPenn is my first."

the prompt says it should be approx 500 words (this is 510), but i feel like it's too long. what can i cut out?
thanks so much in advance!
mea505 - / 265  
Oct 1, 2010   #2
the prompt says it should be approx 500 words (this is 510), but i feel like it's too long. what can i cut out?
thanks so much in advance!

Boy! I am afraid to tell you to cut anything out! That was an excellent essay, indeed. I think it must be one of the best essays I've read on this forum for some time. You clearly stated your objective in the essay and set out to further explain in within the text of the essay. It was formatted wonderfully. I have only one comment to make concerning the use of words:

Within my first year at here, I'm already making a positive difference in a city I love, with a subject that fascinates me, for students whose education I care about.

--> the word "at" should be removed from the sentence.
--> Otherwise, this essay is perfect. I would not change anything.
--> I wish you luck with your education at UPenn!

--Mark :)
OP tensplyr4eva 7 / 13  
Oct 2, 2010   #3
Within my first year at here, I'm already making a positive difference in a city I love, with a subject that fascinates me, for students whose education I care about.

after hearing what a couple of friends had to say about this essay, i'm wondering if parts of it (such as the quote above) come off as arrogant? and also, is the ending sentence cheesy?
ih8artichokes 6 / 17  
Oct 3, 2010   #4
i don't think you're being arrogant at all! this is a great essay, and it really shows how much you want to go to penn. i'm a little scared of getting into penn, even though i'm applying ED, after reading this well-written essay hahaha.

perhaps you want to emphasize paths you want to pursue instead of paths you already have pursued? i feel like you're focusing too much on what you have already accomplished instead of what you see yourself doing. but i'm really not sure, i think the admissions officer can kind of assume that you're going to continue studying math...

but anyways, best of luck :) hopefully we'll see each other on campus next year, haha!
Krysmoi 2 / 5  
Oct 3, 2010   #5
all I can say is WOW... you really know how to write an essay =) I don't think you should cut out anything... You are really good with punctuations. Good luck =)

Can you help me make my essay as good as yours? haha
mynameisrena 2 / 9  
Oct 9, 2010   #6
I would take out the art/chinese culture thing out. The math part is so well written that everything else just kind of detracts from it...
ekim226 5 / 29  
Oct 9, 2010   #7
This is great, I really can't think of much advice and you've probably already submitted it so I just wanted to say it was really good.

If you have time, I'd love your feedback for my Common App essay! You're a great writer, and I'd appreciate your thoughts on my writing. :)

Good luck applying to UPenn! I'm also applying there but for Regular Decision. :)


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