Prompt #2 : Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
Of all the things that I enjoy doing I can honestly say that I love to speak, more specifically I love to debate. I have always been described as 'talkative but' it wasn't until middle school that I discovered any kind of outlet that was even slightly productive. During the Eighth grade my English teacher gave the class a debate project. We were supposed to debate the topic of Animal Testing and my assignment was to argue in favor of such testing. I'll be honest that project was probably the first thing I ever put all of my effort into, the moment I wrapped my mind around the assignment I can say that for the first time I truly cared about how the whole thing turned out. I wanted to get in front of the class and I wanted to tell them all exactly why I was right and most of all I wanted them to believe it.
When I got in front of that class and when my opponent got in front of me it was like nothing I had ever felt before. It was combat with nothing but words as weapons and I never enjoyed being in a classroom more than when I stood there in front of everyone and tried to prove my point. That was my first experience with true passion and I was hooked. I loved the conflict; I loved the feeling of aggression as I sparred with someone else's opinion. What I love most about the idea of debate isn't what it is but rather what it is not. Most people think of an argument as simply two or people trying to talk over each other and eventually getting fed up with one another and leaving but that's not a true Debate. Debate is not some venue where two or more people simply scream at one another but an arena where opponents question one another's thinking. For that reason Debate is something that has followed me ever since and in part inspired my pursuit of a career in law.
What makes me feel most proud about debate is that I found something that I honestly love to do and something that I can pursue for the rest of my life. Debate has given me a way to express who I am, someone who is unafraid to express their opinion, and even more willing to fight for it.
It is very impressive for me to see how you write about the way you prove that you are right. I think the content is fine, but I have some suggestions:
I loved the feeling of aggression as I sparred with someone else's opinion
Don't you think this sentence will be better if it is more...positive (I don't feel very comfortable seeing the word "aggression" in a personal statement.)
affected the way a person things about something
thinks about something
Debate has given me a way to express who I am.
explain who you are?
So it means you are a liar and your dream job will be to lie and deceive other people? And you are proud of that? I noticed the word 'honesty' in your essay, but why do you use it if you don't really know the meaning of it?
The fact you manage to 'persuade' someone you are right won't change the truth. You should be ashamed of yourself that you are proud of the things that in the normal world should be deplorable.
It's a solid essay, but it starts to fall apart around here:
"What I love most about the idea of debate isn't what it is but rather what it is not. It's not some venue where two or more people simply scream at one another but an arena where opponents question one another thinking. For that reason Debate is something that has followed me ever since and in part inspired my pursuit of a career in law.
What makes me feel most proud about debate is that I found something that I honestly love to do and something that I can pursue for the rest of my life, but another thing I love about Debate isn't actually winning, its knowing that you have affected the way a person things about something, if not my opponent then someone in the audience or anyone who hears me speak. Debate has given me a way to express who I am."
Your conclusion needs a rewrite, it doesn't flow very well and your ideas aren't very well connected. I feel you could build up nicer to this, give a bigger, more cohesive picture of what debate means to you. It isn't bad, it's just formulaic up until the very last sentence and is a bit awkward and stuttering to read. It feels like you're trying to cram too many idea's into too small of a space.
As for the sentence prior to the conclusion that I quoted? "It's not some venue where two or more people simply scream at one another but an arena where opponents question one anothers thinking. For that reason Debate is something that has followed me ever since and in part inspired my pursuit of a career in law." Once again I find it formulaic, saying, "for that reason" really brings this whole sentence down. Additionally, you need to expand on the fact that debate is more then two people screaming at each other. Right now its an unsupported claim, and as a debater I don't need to tell you to fix that. I would simply include a definition of what you consider debate or even offer an additional sentence of explanation into this insight and it would be good.
Anyway, overall pretty good essay, good luck!
I respect your opinion however I am looking for constructive criticism and not judgement.
Thank you everyone (except Mr. Monte) for your criticism its all very much appreciated and I will work hard to improve all of the things that you have suggested.
(except Mr. Monte)
Why, is there anything untrue in my comment?
Can someone please look at this its a revision of my previous statement
Why, is there anything untrue in my comment?
I think he was asking for some constructive criticism and not for you to try and judge him
There is nothing wrong in judging. Especially when I see a human who is proud of his skills of manipulating and defrauding others (taking money for it in the meantime). If teachers are afraid to tell them the difference between right and wrong and parents are too busy to care what their kids are going into then an anonymous person should do the job.
How is he a liar??
In the future when he's hired his employer will tell him:
"Hey, we have a case. Our filthy rich client (a prominent politician) was caught raping a 14-year-old girl. They video-taped him. Your job is to persuade the judge that he didn't know what he was doing, that he had personal problems and was on drugs etc. and he thought the girl was 18. Now use your 'debating skills' and deny everything. In other words, just be yourself and we should win it."
Just because he is a lawyer does not mean he will be participating in those cases and/or representing those people. HIGHLY overgeneralized. Do you know how many kinds of lawyers there are? Tons.
There is a wrong and right (and actually several shades of grey) to every case and sometimes he may be defending the the "wrong" side, but that doesn't mean he will be all the time. And it isn't always to that extent.
On another note, this isn't the time or place to be arguing over this. And you should not be defaming anybody/anything right now - this website is for HELPING PEOPLE WITH THEIR ESSAYS.
I think your essay is good. It really shows why you are passionate about debate - your own spin.
Of all the things that I enjoy doing I can honestly say that I love to speak, more specifically I love to debate. ---Look at how much stronger the essay would be if it was not weighed down by this uneventful first sentence:
Here is a great beginning for the essay:
I have always been described as 'talkative,' but it wasn't until middle school that I discovered any kind of outlet that was even slightly productive. ---hahahah, this is a very interesting way to express it.
You did a great job with this essay! I was expecting to see something offensive in it, because I saw Rich's comments before I read the essay, but actually this is an excellent essay about the art of rhetoric. You should google around about logos, ethos, and pathos, and google the word rhetoric. It is a fine art.
So, I cannot understand why Rich made it all about an amoral law practice. Rich, I have had times in my life when I lost my mental clarity, and I think everyone has times like that. Breathe deep and enjoy them moment! Stretch out those lungs, elastic tissue. Breathe down to the elbows, down to the tailbone. Let the abdomen expand, and really enjoy profound inhalation... that is the way to surf on the wave of the present moment.