my love and dedication for music; UMich Supplemental Essay 1 Community

Can i have criticism for this essay. Any would be nice
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What made marching band more special than any other community I've been part of? It was more than just my love and dedication for music. It became my family. When I was only a freshman, I walked through the hallways passing giant, intimidating upperclassmen. However, every once in a while, someone from marching band would say "Hi" to me. Marching band wasn't just a place to rehearse: it was a place where people could confide in each other when times were tough. It certainly was mine whenever the high school blues would kick in. Marching band wasn't always about intense rehearsals and shows. Band and bowling parties, movie nights, and even band football were added to the mix. This helped make everyone closer as a band and a family. What also made this band so special was teamwork. Each member, whether the drum major or the cymbal player, had an equally important role in the band. Playing the biggest bass drum in the drumline, I had the role of keeping a loud, solid beat throughout the show so the band would march and play in tempo. My role in the band proved to me that everyone was vital to the success of our marching band. To have such an important role gave me motivation to work hard, knowing that part of our marching band's success depends on my contribution. As I leave high school and marching band, I will always remember the value of marching band and its family bonds.

This is a unique topic. Well done.

The only things I would change:

Take out these sentences: "When I was only a freshman, I walked through the hallways passing giant, intimidating upperclassmen. However, every once in a while, someone from marching band would say "Hi" to me." Or reword them. The seem like they're taking away from the meaning of your story.

Also, I would take: "Band and bowling parties, movie nights, and even band football were added to the mix" and change it to something like "Bowling parties, movie nights, and football with my band members bonded us more than I ever imagined they could." Something like that.

Maybe you could help me with mine? :)

Good luck!