Prompt: Choose an issue of importance to you and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself.
It's scratchy, yes, I know. But that's why i'm asking for ya help! Does it attract you? Hold your attention? Is the grammar correct? Thanks Much!
Here I am in the middle of the action. The sun has finally ducked behind the horizon making way for a nice cool evening. The monotonous and continuous chirp of hundreds of grasshoppers invisible in the forest behind the field can be heard. The indistinct cries of parents trying to encourage their talented offspring sounds only like rambles to those on the field. In a word, the ball park is quite rambunctious . Yet I feel as if I am alone under God's black sky. I have a job to do and must keep focus. I wouldn't trade the experiences I've had in baseball for anything. My attachment to the game has not only given me a new drive to excel at what I do but has also taught me that through hard work and perseverance, any obstacles can be overcome.
It's amazing how I've grown to learn and love the game of baseball if one considers my earliest years playing it. I was granted my first experiences simply because I wanted to play another sport while I waited for football season to roll around; the sport I thought I was superb at. When I stepped out on the field for the first time, there was no nervousness about me. Not because of my confidence though, but because I didn't know what in the world I was doing. By the end of the day the expression on my coach's face was enough to clearly depict how my day went at that practice. I missed easy groundballs through my legs and dropped routine pop flies . I even was forced to stop practice to get the ants that were biting my leg. But it wasn't just this one practice; my performance that whole year was terrible. As for the rest of the year, though, those memories now are but dust in the wind for I've chosen not to bring them to my recollection .The old faithful saying "practice makes perfect" continued to prove itself true.
After a while my game began to improve. Unfortunately, for one reason or another, as time went by, my enjoyment of the sport ebbed. But, fortunately, my dad continued to enjoy the game of baseball and forced me to continue to play. Ironically enough, when he left on a five month business trip, I excelled at the game more than I had ever before. After some time, the game kind of grew on me and once I got to high school, I even began to enjoy playing. This was a needed change because of the great adversity I was about to face. Entering into high school, I knew I was good. But how good I thought I was still superseded how good the coaches thought I was. Yet, I did not let this effect how I played.
At my school, it has been a repetitive disadvantage that skilled, black baseball players have had an unequal experience playing under the coaches. I began to feel this effect taking place not even half way through the season. The feeling is that of a peculiar one because you know the coaches appreciate you as a skilled player but they do not appreciate you as a person. Being an immature freshman, I began to form an ill attitude toward these coaches which I learned has formed the basis on why I've remained on the Junior Varsity team so long and been cast off from being moved up to varsity. Heading into my junior and now my senior year, despite my attitude improvements, I've had to hold on to my enjoyment of the game as an incentive to keep playing despite the unfair treatment by the coaches.
The game is nearing its end and my team is down. Everyone is holding on to their seats as I step up to the plate with a runner on third base and two outs. The first pitch is thrown. Ball; Low and outside. As the pitcher receives the ball from the catcher and recollects himself, I do the same as I take a deep breath and reenter the batter's box. The next pitch comes. Before anyone has a chance to think twice about the outcome, the ball is already flying toward the left field fence and I'm circling the bases. The tying run comes in and I'm standing on second base feeling completely fulfilled, like I've made my contribution to the team. There is no going back in time to change my past experiences in high school though I wish there were. But, that is not going to change how I play and the effort that I choose to put in. I must "keep on keepin' on" only hoping that the cream will rise to the top and I will one day get my chance to shine. Many wouldn't dare to continue on the road I've taken. Others might scoff because I haven't decided to quit. One thing I have learned in the many experiences in my life: if I set my mind to do something, in order to succeed in it, I must get at it with all vigor as hard as I am physically and mentally able. No matter what sport, hobby, or activity I choose, the doubters will always find their way around, there will be things that set me back, and there will be obstacles in the road. But that is not going to change what my mind is focused on. That is not going to alter how I approach my duties and responsibilities. If I want to succeed at anything I do I must work hard at everything I do until it is accomplished. As Babe Ruth once said "it's hard to beat a person who never gives up"
The essay does catch my attention and holds it through the first and second paragraphs, even though you need to match the strength of your imagery with stronger and more concisely phrased sentences. The essay begins to drag towards the end of the second paragraph and into the third, which is a shame because you introduce a very interesting twist in the fourth paragraph. All in all, I'd like to see you edit ruthlessly, cutting out trite phrases like "practice makes perfect," using as many action verbs as possible, and making your sentences less wordy. I'm sure our friendly forum members will have some specific suggestions on for where and how to do that.
Also, I would not suggest starting a sentence with 'but'.
^ i dont usually disagree with you like ever lol, but this is a point where im going to have to step up.
there is NO rule that says you cannot start a sentence with but. its just in our minds that its not proper. i took ap english langugae (didnt do too well on the exam) but nevertheless, if done well, it sounds good and "stylistic"
i didnt read it, but as long as it sounds good here, noris totally can
start a sentence with but.
Well, I agree that there is no rule as such. That is why I thought I should make it clear that I was making a suggestion.
It is my personal belief that in college essays, one should refrain from starting a sentence with 'but'. I believe those who can get away with starting a sentence with 'but', are those on an actual professional level. I think that as a college student, one should find a more sophisticated alternative. Then again, these are only my beliefs and it will be interesting to read what the Moderators have to say on the subject.
if done well, it sounds good and "stylistic"
^It did not come off as particularly stylistic here.