I'm really worried that this is way too casual ... but ... I'm not sure. Anyway, any help is greatly appreciated!
Prompt: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.
Hi, roomie!
In light of the fact that we'll be spending a considerable amount of time together, I think it's best if you get to know me a bit first. So here goes nothing. I like the Hallmark Channel and I am not ashamed of it. Cheesy movies make me happy. I've always wanted to use the word "floccinaucinihilipilification" in a sentence. Sadly, I have not yet had the opportunity. Nothing gets me into a rage like dirty socks and social injustice -- and not necessarily in that order. Family means everything to me. If you bring red velvet cupcakes into our room, I will eat them. I am a private person but, with enough prodding, I can be enticed out of my shell. I love Jar Jar Binks and Lebanese food. On the rare occasions that I get upset, I always express my frustration in fluent Arabic. I am a conservative Christian and I support LGBT rights. Freddy Krueger from the Nightmare on Elm Street terrifies me. I think Cary Grant is the most attractive man to ever walk this planet. I am addicted to Doctor Who. David Tennant is the greatest thing to happen to the 21st century. I am passionate about libertarianism. I love cats. I chew gum religiously. I give excellent hugs.
If, after reading all this, you're still willing to be my roommate, then you're either the kindest or the craziest person in the world ... and, just for the record, I'm hoping it's both.
This is a really cute essay! I love the part about you expressing your frustrations in Arabic- I do that too. The jumping from topic to topic kind of gives me a feeling of vertigo, however. Try writing a list of the things about yourself that you listed in this essay, and try to group them in sections according to similarity, then experiment with the order you want to put them in.
Also, at the end:
- If, after reading all this(try "all of this" instead) , you're still willing to be my roommate, then you're either the kindest, or the craziest person in the world ... and, just for the record, I'm hoping it's (try "you're") both.
Good luck on your essay!
I agree with Knighted on the advice about making a list and grouping them. It seems a little too scattered, so using conjunctions here and there to join similar statements might help. Try experimenting with that and go from there :)
"If, after reading all this, you're still willing to be my roommate, then you're either the kindest or the craziest person in the world ... and, just for the record, I'm hoping it's both."
I would reword it a bit so it's like "you're either the kindest person in the world or the craziest."
The essay overall is really fun to read, and it shows a lot of your personality!
I wish you the best of luck~
If you have time, check out my essay. It will be much appreciated. :)
I think this essay is perfect the way it is. I like how its not in essay style because its unique!
I really enjoyed your essay, and while I agree with the critics listed above I loved the quirky and casual tones you used :) Good luck! Help me with mine?
It is good overall but is very random and chaotic, with some smoothing out, and as mentioned above grouping, it would flow better.
